Guest voices: Helicopters and Skates
Our practice accepts interns; postgraduate students interested in a clinical internship must send us a copy of their C.V. and a cover letter. Surprisingly, many letters arrive with grammar and spelling errors. Other business leaders, education and agency administrators have voiced similar experiences. This is not surprising because on Feb. 7, the New York State Education Department reported that less than half of students in the state’s high school graduates are prepared for college or challenging jobs. These new statistics show that only about 23 percent of students in New York City, half the rate anticipated, graduated ready for college or careers in 2009. Even the best districts have rates lower than anticipated by as much as 20 percent.
We often harbor the belief that building a child’s self-esteem prepares them to handle life’s challenges. We have trained ourselves and our children to believe that if they feel good about themselves they will always do well. However, high self-esteem does not translate into success, hard work does. What we are seeing is the product of years of overprotective parenting and the belief that “my child is always perfect.”
The 1960s phrase “hovering parent” used to describe overprotective and indulgent parents became the 1990s “Helicopter Parents.” While some helicoptering is anticipated in grade school it often does not end there. Parents who call their children in college or even in Israel to make sure that they get up for class, parents who are in contact with their childrens’ rabbis, teachers and professors, hold false belief that they can ensure their child’s success.
What these parents are accomplishing though is creating adults with a false sense of achievement but none of the tools to realize success. These students actually learn how to “skate by” rather than do the task successfully. Listen to college students talk about how they have not done the readings or homework and still manage to get what they call “a decent grade.” Yeshiva students do the same. They will often tell you that they have “no worries” because “there are really no tests.”
Children with helicopter parents become dependent, impulsive, anxious and fearful. They have difficulty making decisions and demure to others even for major life issues, even if they know that they are getting bad advice. They do this because they believe that their parents will be there to fix everything.
Children who have been helicoptered often do not set goals for careers believing that their parents will set them up in a business; or worse - they will never have to work. The emotional dependencies are evidenced in marriage and other relationships where overprotected children grow to believe that they do not have to invest themselves emotionally to make the relationship work. Parents contact a shadhan and the “adults” decide who to date and marry. Parents then work out a fiscal arrangement to support the children and following that a job may be secured for the young man.
But a few years into this pattern, the couple may start to realize that they may not be right for one another. The divorce rates are climbing. Fiscal realities require well-trained workers with intellectual and technological savvy. Teaching decision-making skills begins in childhood. Building a child’s self-esteem is important, but must take a second seat to learning responsibility. This cannot be done if parents are hovering closely or if children believe that they can just skate by.
Dr. Salamon, a Fellow of the American Psychological Association, is the founder and director of ADC Psychological Services in Hewlett, a board member of Ptach and The Awareness Center. His recent books include, The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures, published by Urim Publications and Every Pot Has a Cover: A Proven Guide to Finding, Keeping and Enhancing the Ideal Relationship, published by Rowman & Littlefield.
