The tight middle

The family van can be quite a workhorse, between its owner’s commute to work, shuttling the children to after-school activities, and taking the grandparents to their doctor. The emotional toll of parenting and taking care of elderly parents was addressed by social worker Harriet Blank at a March 26 presentation sponsored by National Council of Young Israel and Ohel Children’s Home & Family Services.

“I do 10 carpools a week and then you have your parents. They have their appointments and need some help at home,” said Blank, who works as a coordinator for the geriatric program at Ohel. “It’s hard for me to make time. We’re all juggling aren’t we?”

Blank is one of an estimated 10 million boomer generation parents who are also taking care of their own elderly parents, according to a report by the Pew Research Center. Speaking at Young Israel of Jamaica Estates, she shared her ability to balance caring for two generation before a small audience sharing her situation.

“It looks so easy on TV but you cannot have it all. Making everyone happy includes making yourself happy,” Blank said. To manage the stress, Blank advised the audience to be realistic in managing time devoting enough time to resting. “If you work a 45 hour week, you can’t go to your parents’ doctor.”

While medical appointments could be rescheduled, one-time events must take precedence, such as a child’s school play, because it creates good memories for the child and parent. Blank added that vacations are also essential in order to regain the energy needed for managing two generations of family and some audience members have examples of prioritizing.

“I make time for myself. I have an apartment in Israel and I wanted to see my daughter, but my mother here was not feeling well,” said Kew Gardens Hills resident Gila Rollhaus. Finding someone to care for her mother, Rollhaus was able to visit her daughter in Jerusalem.

The brief Jerusalem vacation was more than an opportunity to bond with her daughter; it also enabled Rollhaus to regain her energy for the tasks at home.

“You need to make the time, even a short time to rejuvenate yourself, otherwise you won’t be able to take care of others,” said Blank.

But not everyone can play the role of the meat in a sandwich, and Blank said that this does not mean any less love for the parents. “When you feel that you’re not doing the best you can, you hire the best care you can give,” said Blank.

But for those who are able to care for their parents, Ohel has established a helpline at 1-800-603-OHEL, which responds to caregiver concerns within 72 hours.