That's Life: Visit to the liquor store

Issue of August 7, 2009 / 17 Av 5769

Dear That’s Life,

There’s something about the image of a pregnant woman walking into a liquor store that just screams ‘trailer park.’

The bells atop the door jangled as I walked into the store and was greeted by the friendly cashier.

“Hi,” she said, “Can I help you?”

Knowing my way around (it’s not important why), I told her I was fine.  “I know where the vodka is, but thanks,” I said, then added, “It’s got to be a real white trash moment for the big, fat pregnant woman to be buying a large bottle of vodka.”  No response. I guess I was not the first.

Having picked my brand of choice (Grey Goose), I proceeded to the checkout counter where the woman rang up the sale and asked: “Would you like to sample one of the new kosher rums we got in?”

Completely befuddled — not only am I quite apparently pregnant but I’d already made a joke about it — I declined.  “Uhhh, kosher or not kosher, I’m pretty sure that rum is not good for the baby,” I said.

Unfazed, she continued with the sale. Trying to reconcile the exchange in my head, I realized that she probably thought the vodka was for me and so why would I turn down the free rum?

I tried to make it better.

“Do you have any mixes?” I asked, and she said that she had three choices, one of which was for Cosmopolitans. “Perfect,” I replied, and added, “My friend, whom I’m buying this for, is definitely a ‘girly drink’ drinker.”

And even though it was true, and even though I turned out to be right about the call for the Cosmos, I don’t think the cashier bought it.

Maybe it was the broad smile on my face as I left that made her doubt my story. Or maybe she didn’t care either way. But I smiled my big, toothy grin anyway, imagining what someone watching me leave the store with my big, brown paper wino bag, my protruding belly and my classic pregnant waddle might be thinking.  I have to imagine it would be something out of When Harry Met Sally: I’ll have what she’s having.

MLW

Dear That’s Life,

Going to Keyspan Park and watching a Cyclones game, you can be sure of two things:  your $12 is going to be well spent and expect the unexpected.

Medieval Times Night was even more fun than Hora night — who would’ve thought? But the on-field sword fight followed by the king and queen in full regalia heralded by trumpeting horns is really even more than I could’ve dreamed of for single-A ball.

A particularly rowdy crowd was in attendance and the woman next to me (clearly an out-of-towner, as she tried to clean up her peanut shells) was here for her first time. Not used to the, um, heckling, taunting and otherwise classic New York behavior, she was a little taken aback by some of what was being said by the fans.

“First time at a game?” I asked. “First time at a game here,” she replied. Less than a minute later, a batter for the opposing team hit a rocket to left field that cracked the score board — almost a moment out of The Natural, for those who can appreciate the reference.

While the shot was impressive and many people initially cheered, as the runner rounded the bases a spectator sitting behind me screamed, “Hey Buddy, you break it, you bought it!”

Laughter erupted all around us, and the woman next to me smiled. “Welcome to Brooklyn,” I said. “I guess that’s the only way to put it,” she answered.

MLW