Purim: One on One with Moses

David F. Nesenoff: Thank you for the interview and Happy Purim.
Moses: It’s a pleasure to speak with you but I would have thought you would want to interview Mordechai this time of year. I’m kind of a Passover guy.

DFN: Well, Mordechai has an exclusive with the Five Towns Jewish Times and he’s not allowed to talk with us, you know how it is.
M: I’ve been retired for a while, but I’m glad to tell you what I can.

DFN: Thank you. Can I call you Moshe?
M: I prefer Moses. I’m trying to go for that hip contemporary sound. It’s part of my kiruv strategy.

DFN: So, Moses, what do you think of the Jewish people today?
M: I love that Steven Spielberg; he’s terrific, I could watch E.T. over and over again.

DFN: I was talking about Klal Yisroel, Am Yisroel, Bnai Yisroel.
M: Oh, they’re okay I guess. I can’t complain, and if I did who would listen? (Laughs) But I really like that Spielberg.

DFN: Yes, but do you think Jews are in a good place right now?
M: Place shmace. First they went to Egypt and liked it there. Then they didn’t like it and left. Then they kvetched about the water and job prospects in the desert and wanted to go back to Egypt. Then they went to Israel; and now they make computer chips.

DFN: What about the spirituality of our people?
M: Look, in my day, for six days a week you built a mishkan and then on Shabbos
you rested. Today everybody wants the easy life. They drive to the mall, they fl y to Florida, they Skype… I walked for forty years. I ate manna, I washed the feet of the Kohanim, I learned all of Torah, I delivered the Ten Commandments, twice. Who had time for spirituality?

DFN: But how can we get the Jewish people to follow the mitzvos and lead a
more menshlach life?
M: Been there done that. It’s not easy. My generation was all about Naaseh V’Nishmah. We’ll do and then later we’ll ask. Now it’s all Nishma, Nishma, Nishma. They ask and talk and question and if and when they get around to it… Naaseh, they’ll actually do something.

DFN: What about tzedakah? Are people giving enough charity?
M: You know, originally it wasn’t a maser, a tithe, a tenth. It was actually fifty percent. Yeah, fifty fifty. Chatzi Lashem, Chatzi Lachem. Hashem wanted us to give half of our income to charity, but I hondled and got it to ten percent. I was quite the negotiator. Abraham had nothing on me. I would have bargained with Hashem down to one good person in Sodom and Gemorrah and closed the deal. Anyway, now everyone looks at ten percent like it’s some major transaction. The only reason Hashem lets people make a living is so that they could give to charity. And if He gives them a comfortable income he’s expecting some really big Tzedakah. I don’t
know who came up with this Chai business, 18? People give in multiples of 18? They
should give ten times their Neshama! Neshama is 395. That would bring in some nice Tzedakah.

DFN: How do you spend your time these days?
M: Oh, well it’s a real mechaya in Olam Habah. I’m here in G-d’s country. I learn with the great gaonim before shachris. I teach a shiur or two before lunch. I fabreng with the Lubavitcher Rebbe and then in the evenings I usually like to take a Zumba class.

DFN: They have Zumba in the shamayim, in the heavens?
M: Listen, it’s like Shabbos seven days a week here. Cholent, cholent, cholent. If I
don’t stay in shape I’ll get cut from Hockey.

DFN: You play hockey?
M: We have a great team, the Levites. We also have a recreation arts center. I’m known for my Mosaic pieces. Mosaic, get it?

DFN: I didn’t know you were so funny?
M: I have a terrific sense of humor. I used to do a lot of slap stick, but after slapping and hitting the rock and getting into all that trouble, I stopped doing the physical humor and I just do the occasional pun and knock, knock joke.

DFN: How’s your sister Miriam?
M: Oh please, she’s fine. But to tell you the truth, she’s going to drive me crazy with
that tambourine of hers. Always clopping and dancing and clopping. Enough already.
She gets like one line in the Torah and she shleps out her 10 minutes of fame into an entire career. She’s touring right now with Dovid HaMelech, Elvis and Michael Jackson.

DFN: They all perform together?
M: They call themselves, “The Timbrel and the Three Kings.” They’re music is okay. But, personally, I like Carlebach.

DFN: Of course, who doesn’t? Finally, Moses, I have to ask you about the enemies
of the Jewish People.
M: I told Joshua that he should have killed all the Amalekites when he had the chance. Not a day goes by that Kahane doesn’t rip into Joshie about that one. Listen, until Moshiach comes, and he’s always running late believe me, there will continue to be those who hate us. But more importantly we should spend
time trying to fi nd ways of loving each other. We kvetch amongst ourselves terribly.

DFN: Any final thoughts?
M: I spent my whole life getting the Jews out of Egypt and shlepping them through the wilderness to bring them to Eretz Yisroel. And they got to go to Israel and I didn’t. I would have done anything to go there. There’s even a beautiful midrash that talks about how I begged and pleaded with Hashem to make me a bird so that I could at least fly over the sacred precious land. So… today you can skip over to JFK, hop on an EL AL flight, daven maariv on the back of the plane while the flight attendants complain that they have to move their carts around to feed everyone mehadrin kosher meals. And then presto you’re in Israel and at the Kotel.