David’s Harp: Where is Osama going?

“Where am I? What happened?” Osama bin Laden asks. A clerk of the Angel of Death replies, “You are dead.” Osama is confused. “How could that be I was just sitting in my home in Pakistan planning the bombing of the American transportation system and having tea with my 15-year-old wife. This must be a mistake.”

The clerk looks over his paperwork. “No, there’s no error here. A group of American SEALS entered your compound and killed you.” Osama is shocked. “I remember something, but I don’t understand how this could happen. I was living footsteps from the Pakistani military headquarters, right outside of Islamabad the capitol of the country. I had my own video studio and hi tech communication center. And why do I have the strange sensation that my body is being chewed apart by scavengers of the sea? And if I am dead then where are the 72 virgins that are supposed to greet me?”

The clerk explains. “The G-d of Israel is the true Almighty. He has tried to bring justice and love into the world with His commandments. He has given the Jewish people the Land of Israel and they have allowed all people to inhabit there and visit. Haven’t you ever wondered why with 21 Arab countries and one and a half billion Muslims all against Israel, not to mention most of the rest of the world, that Israel not only continues to successfully defend herself but she grows every time she is attacked? Don’t you get it, you stupid piece of fish-food, that you are on the wrong side of G-d? 72 virgins? Do you even hear yourself? Did you ever stop and think that if your heaven is 72 virgins being with you, then that must be their hell?”

Osama complains. “I want the virgins! This is a nightmare. I demand what’s coming to me.” The clerk jumps in. “Actually, we will give you what is coming to you. You are slated to have the essence of your demented disgusting soul divided into infinitesimal pieces and placed back into the material world. You will be found in all farm, jungle and wildlife excrement. And we have arranged for 72 virgin flies to greet you each time.” Osama yells, “Allah where are you?” The clerk interrupts.

“If you’re talking about Elokim, Hashem, He is busy shielding the Jewish children of Sderot from Palestinian Kassam rockets falling on their schools and playgrounds. Did it ever occur to you and your worldwide murderers and supporters that killing innocent people might not be G-d’s plan?”

“I must speak to someone in charge immediately!” Osama is pleading. The clerk laughs. “OU and AIPAC are running things for G-d and they’re not taking any meetings right now. And besides my records indicate that you along with your 9-11 hijackers and Arafat all have an appointment with a herd of diarhetic elephants in Tanzania.” The clerk speaks into a walkie-talkie. “Cue the flies.”