Ask Aviva: What are we, chopped liver?

Dear Aviva,
Isn’t chessed supposed to begin at home? My wife is well respected by others because she is constantly helping others. She goes the extra mile and ends up short changing my kids and me. She could cook a three-course meal for someone who just had a baby while defrosting fish sticks for the kids’ dinner. How do I ask her to pay more attention to us without looking like the bad guy?
-Chopped Liver

Dear Chopped Liver,
I love this question, thanks so much for writing in. It’s a bit of a toughie because I don’t know all the dynamics here, but I’ll do my best to help out.
Sometimes individuals find more fulfillment from their work or voluntary activities than from their primary job at home. I think the cause is simple. It’s classic behavioral conditioning. The individual does something at work or for the community and gets reinforced with appreciation and admiration. This will condition the individual to do more in that sphere.
The individual may do something at home, like change a baby’s dirty diaper while cooing at her and get absolutely no feedback. Even if an individual did something that seems more extraordinary, like make the three course dinner for you and your kids, most likely she will get better appreciation by making the identical meal for strangers. Of course that doesn’t mean that it’s ok for your wife to give her all to the outside while you are privileged to frozen entrees. But now we have a simple reason and with it a simple solution: up the ante on the home front.
This means slather the appreciation and support. The problem is, it’s hard to lay on the appreciation for fish sticks and seem like you are sincere. So instead, maybe focus more on the support and validation. Say she is finishing up her homemade crepes for the kimpaturin, and is about to take out the hot dogs from the freezer for you and the kids. Glide over to her and give her a nice, “Oh honey, you worked so hard on those crepes. I’ll take care of the hot dogs sweetie.”
She should see you acknowledge how hard she’s working. If you were to confront her with the problem in the midst of her cooking, she is likely to get defensive. (And defense is not something that we root for in a marital conflict situation. Actually, spouses who defend themselves when confronted with a complaint are more likely to be headed for divorce than spouses who claim partial responsibility.) After a good two weeks of supporting and acknowledging her hard work (even though you didn’t get to eat the fruits of her labor) have a friendly conversation requesting that she is around for you guys more.
But be very careful how you couch it. No accusations. I think it should be more like, “Mmm, those patties smelled so great. Can you make a few extra next time for me to sample?” Or, more directly, “The kids were having such a great time when you were helping them with their projects. They were so sad when you had to leave to the dinner committee meeting. Do you think sometime after the dinner we can schedule a family night?”
Also, something that concerned me was that you said others respect her because she helps them. What else does your wife possess that may be respectable? Figure it out and tell her she has these traits and say you respect her for it. So grab the butter and lay it on!
-Aviva

Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice who can be reached at AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com.