Ask Aviva: Little money, honey!

Dear Readers,
Allow me to clear the air: Last week’s piece was written in the Purim spirit. Meaning, I did not go off the deep end (even my most supportive fans were fooled into thinking that I had lost my mind). In actuality, I embellished the question and wrote the opposite of what I would normally advise. Just to prove myself, I am addressing the same issue again with a sane spin to my response.

Dear Aviva,
My family is in a lot of financial trouble. There’s very little money coming in and it’s very stressful. I manage the bills and I keep trying to explain to my wife that we cannot spend on any extras. She claims she understands, but she still spends over our budget. If I confront her, she gives me an excuse like, “I was being careful—I only bought things that were on sale.” Things are really stressful and her spending will get us into deeper trouble. Any advice?
-Husbandry Husband

Dear Husbandry Husband,
I have one big piece of advice—get her involved in bill management. There’s nothing like experiential learning to really get it. The question is how to get her involved without scaring her away. Blaming, name-calling or whining wouldn’t be much of a motivator for her. Instead, work on your subtlety. Ask her to help you one time with paying a credit card bill. Make sure it’s in a way that she sees how much you have, and how much she is giving away. And make sure that it’s not in an instructional way either—make her think she is doing you a favor. You might also want to quietly make a list of your income and expenses. On this list, make sure not to include any of her frivolous expenses. Just write up your bare necessities. Then leave it out for a day or two. This may help because it will not attack her and she will keep her defenses down. Then she will be able to accept the harsh reality of the numbers and hopefully she will rectify things on her own. Basically, I want you to avoid anything that resembles a confrontation. It hasn’t worked with her in the past, so why should it suddenly make a difference?
You can address things directly with her, but the subject matter shouldn’t be about her overspending. The way I see it, you can start the conversation by making yourself vulnerable and pushing her out of the hot-seat. Start by saying, “Honey, I am really scared. I don’t know how we’re going to come out of this and it really frightens me.” The subject of the conversation should be your anxiety over your financial situation. And it should not be solution oriented. At least not from your end. Let her hear your fear and then if she verbally says she will try to be better, acknowledge that and thank her for it. You can (maybe, if you have a very strong marriage, and if not, don’t even try) explore with her why she spends more than she should. As an example, a wife who always wants to go out for dinner may simply hate cooking and would dine in if her hubby helped help in the kitchen.
So basically, involve her in your role. I’d also recommend involving yourself in her role. If she’s the one who buys the kids’ socks, you go ahead and do that. Who knows? You may find that your wife is more of a deal-hound than you thought.
-Aviva