The weekend widows support group

Notes from a working mom

Issue of Sept. 12, 2008

Relating to the theme of this week’s paper, simcha celebrations, I’d like to share my experiences as the wife of a magician.

When your husband is a magician, he tends to work many nights and weekends; that’s just the nature of being an entertainer. Smachot are usually scheduled on nights, weekends and legal holidays. The idea is to celebrate when most people are off from work, so the Smachot are scheduled around the corporate work schedule. Thus, an entertainer’s work hours begin after the “normal” workday ends and continue into the wee hours of the night.

It is not uncommon for my husband to say goodbye to me on Friday afternoons with the departing words, “See you on Monday.” The weekends are prime time for magicians, with all the Shabbos Bar Mitzvahs, Sunday weddings, Upsherins, Sheva Brachot, Shul dinners, surprise birthday parties (even 100-year-old birthday parties, which are usually not surprises, for obvious reasons), family Chanukah parties and everything in between.

And while my husband is off entertaining (he loves his job, because he gets to attend lots of parties and make people happy), I’m left home alone at a time when many couples are reuniting for the first time all week. While other couples enjoy the bonding time of Shabbos and Sunday after a long workweek, I am forced to fend for myself. You might call me a weekend widow.

The advantage of this unorthodox schedule is that my husband and I can stagger the childcare responsibilities so that each parent takes a shift. While I’m working, my husband is home with the kids (for the most part; there are plenty of days when he works as well) and while he’s working, I’m home with the kids.

There is something to be said for having a two-parent tag team. My own psychological load during the workday is made lighter knowing that my husband is based at home. But the relentless schedule leaves little time for my husband and I to debrief. I like to joke that never seeing each other is great for our marriage; we can’t fight if we’re never together!

It wasn’t always like this. I used to go with my husband to many weekend events. I recall one year we were not in our home for Shabbos all year, aside from two weekends –– one of which was Rosh Hashanah. We went wherever his job took us for Shabbos and for most of the Chagim, as well. It was nice to attend weekend Bar Mitzvahs at fancy hotels, or to spend a Shabbos at someone else’s home and experience the various frum communities in the tri-state area.

These days, it’s not that I don’t have any offers to join my husband for the weekend if I wanted to. Part of the understanding that my husband has with many of his clients is that his family is included. They are nice enough to include all of us, so that the family won’t be separated for Shabbos.

But now that I have three children, it’s just easier to stay home. The children need the consistency of their own schedules, bedtime routines, the comfort of their own beds and toys. It’s hard for the children if the dinner is served late in the evening and very far away from our hotel room, or if we are eating at a Shul many blocks away from the home where we are sleeping. Plus, I don’t have the energy to pack and unpack every weekend.

There are times when it is simply impossible for all of us to travel with him. For instance, we don’t rely on any Manhattan eruv. So if I were to go to the city for a Shabbaton, I would be stuck in the apartment all Shabbos with the baby. We also don’t use Shabbos elevators, and it has happened that my husband has been placed in an apartment above the 10th floor of a building and once on the 33rd floor (yes, that’s 66 landings up and down).

These days I’m spending many weekends playing the role of both Mom and Dad at home. I’m the one who makes Kiddush and Havdalah on many Shabbatot, and I discuss the Parsha and sing the zemirot with my kids at the Shabbos table. It’s a role that I’ve learned to cherish, but it is also challenging.

Recently it has come to my attention that I’m not the only one in this unique situation, that of the weekend widow. Chazanim (cantors), acapella singers, musicians, photographers, videographers and caterers also work many weekends. Their wives are also struggling with weekend widowhood. So, I am proposing the formation of a support group for the women whose husbands are in these non-traditional professions.

If you fit this criteria, and would like to join, please e-mail me at ayalacohen27@yahoo.com. We can meet regularly, perhaps round-robin style at different homes. We can maintain contact through printed newsletters, telephone chains, Internet forums, or mailing lists. We can talk about our experiences, providing sympathetic understanding and establishing a new social network. Most importantly, we can support each other in whatever challenges are ahead.

Isn’t that what friends are for?

Ayala Cohen is Media Research Manager at Johnson & Johnson, wife to magician Binyamin (Ben) Cohen and mother of three.