That's Life: Miriam's neighborhood awards

Issue of June 19, 2009 / 27 Sivan 5769

Dear That’s Life,

Ever think about giving out awards to people who live in the neighborhood for various things that they do?  Of course, there are community service awards given out by local organizations commending people for their acts of kindness. Those are not the kind of awards I mean –– I’m referring to the ones that have no kindness, necessarily, associated with them.

For example, to the genius (and I do mean that sincerely) who decided to start parking unmanned auxiliary police vehicles around the neighborhood in order to deter drivers from speeding, making illegal turns, etc., I would give the Creativity Award. Watching drivers slam on the brakes when they see the cruiser, not realizing there is no officer in it, makes me smile. If one could be parked on my corner, it would be greatly appreciated.

To the person who has been constructing, for what seems an eternity, what some have dubbed the Saddle Ridge Hotel, I would like to give the “What Were You Thinking?” Award. The building reminds me of the game from Sesame Street called ‘Which of These Things Do Not Belong Here?’  To say it sticks out in the neighborhood is an understatement. How work continues there six days a week while the permit clearly states that work may only take place Monday through Friday is also something I cannot figure out. (By the way, complaints about work taking place when it should not be may only be registered with the building department while the work is going on, which obviously cannot happen on Shabbos. Brilliant.) Please do not expect a block party in your honor when construction is finally complete.

Driving through this neighborhood at very early hours of the morning, one rarely finds others on the road. There is, however, one exception: the newspaper delivery guy. It is he, or she, who seems to be driving erratically at 5 a.m., weaving back and forth from opposite sides of the street. Only when one realizes that the items being tossed out of the window are newspapers and the driver isn’t really casing homes does a relative sense of calm prevail. The “Please Don’t Hit Me” Award should be given to this individual along with a request: there are others who drive at the same time you do so please proceed with caution.

If I could, I would give sincere thanks, and possibly bestow the Nobel Peace Prize upon, the individuals who determined the future locations of the traffic cameras to be placed along Peninsula Boulevard, including its intersection with Woodmere Boulevard.  Having to look both ways before driving through that location truly highlights the threat posed to each person who traverses the area.  And if someone could get the ‘Walk/Don’t Walk’ signal at that corner to work as well, that would be great.

And finally, the “That’s My Money Until It’s Your Money” Award would go to the gentleman who pocketed my change, assuming I was going to give it to him as a tip, but did not even have the courtesy to hand it back to me first. When I asked if there had been change, knowing full well there had been, he replied “Oh, yes,” and then added, “um...thank you,” while still not returning my change, or even pretending to reach into his pocket. Weird.

Please feel free to send in your award suggestions: they need not be given out only once a year but rather, as we see fit. That’s the beauty of making up awards that don’t really exist.

MLW