That's Life 3-20-09

Issue of March 20, 2009 / 24 Adar 5769

Dear That’s Life,

Remember the days when you could buy Dimetapp without having to pass a lie detector test or produce character witnesses?

Me neither.

Going to the pharmacy last week to buy some cold medicine, I knew they were now kept behind the counter, lest any nefarious consumers try and unload some zyrtec in their pockets, so I went straight to the line. I’m really not trying to make light of things –– obviously this is a real problem in our neighborhood –– but I’m just wondering when someone is going to take glue off the shelves as well. (Note: if you don’t understand the reference, please rewatch “Airplane.”) I’m seriously more concerned about getting through the Woodmere Blvd and Peninsula intersection without getting hit by someone who thinks that red lights do not apply to him, than I am about the threat that Advil Cold and Flu poses against my world.

Anyway, when it was my turn at the counter I chose two different products. I was asked to produce my driver’s license and then asked to take it out of my wallet so the back could be scanned. ‘OK,’ I thought, ‘this is pretty interesting.’ After the person who was helping me scanned the first item, she asked for my signature.

“Please sign the screen below,” she said, “and affirm that you will not use this product to make crystal meth.” Completely stunned, as no one had ever used the words “crystal meth” in a sentence to me before in my life, I simply looked at her and said, ‘What?’ As if I was hearing impaired, she said the same thing again but prefaced her sentence with, “I’m not making this up. Please sign the screen.”

Honestly, I’m not that smart. I still can’t figure out how to make that fifth grade science project with the volcano and the baking soda. I can spell “periodic table” and I can tell you what I got on my chem Regents, but that’s where it ends.

After I signed the screen, she was ready to scan the second product, except that the bar code wasn’t in the computer and so she could not sell it to me.

She asked if I wanted to get something else instead and I chose a bottle of Sudafed.

“Can I make crystal meth with that one?” I asked, being the smart-alec that I am, but she didn’t blink.

“It depends on which Sudafed you buy,” she responded, and then proceeded to tell me the differences between the two. I decided to buy the one that better suited my symptoms, regardless of the fact that it was the one from which I could not make a highly lethal and illegal substance.

I was still having trouble getting over this conversation so I told a friend of mine, who happens to be a doctor and not a smart-alec, what had occurred. She said the same thing had happened to her a couple of weeks before. When I asked her what her response was to the clerk when she had been asked to sign the screen, she said, “Oh! I told them I had stopped making crystal meth weeks ago.”

MLW

If something happened to you “that could only happen around here,” you’ve got to share! Was it funny? Outrageous? Hopefully, it wasn’t too painful. No matter what, if you type it up and sent it to letters at thejewishstar.com you’ll have a chance to win a $25 gift certificate to Burger’s Bar on Central Avenue in Cedarhurst — in other words, you could win an outstanding meal at one of Nassau County’s most popular kosher restaurants.    Submissions should include your name, your town, and your daytime and evening phone numbers. Sorry, but anonymous submissions cannot be considered. All decisions by the editors are final and all submissions become the property of The Jewish Star.

In case you were wondering, Burgers Bar is under the supervision of the Vaad Hakashrus of the Five Towns and Far Rockaway, and plays music you can find on MLW’s iPod.