Self-Control, Success and Marshmallows, Part II

My previous column discussed the critical role of self-control, or the ability to delay gratification, in becoming a successful adult. I described Dr. Walter Mischel’s study in which the self-control of a group of 4-year-olds was tested by a marshmallow. In the “marshmallow test,” the kids were asked to delay eating a marshmallow for 15 minutes in order to earn an additional marshmallow. One third of the children ate the marshmallow right away, one third tried to wait but ate it before the 15 minutes elapsed, and one third were able to wait the entire period. What was more surprising than this variation in ability was how their performance in the experiment was associated with their success over the following decades:  as a group, the children who were able to wait earned higher SAT scores, were better able to face challenges, had more stable relationships and better careers with higher incomes, whereas the children who were not able to wait had less stable relationships, less stable careers, were less decisive, less confident and were more likely to be overweight.

This week, I would like to discuss what we as parents could do with these findings. What makes some children able to wait, while others demand breakfast with their first reminder of anything kitchen-related? What makes one child able to persist at a task, while homework time with another child seems less enjoyable than walking on hot coals?

Although it may be true that some people are naturally more inclined toward self-control, it is a trait that can be developed. As mentioned last week, the successful children in the marshmallow study did not simply stare that marshmallow down in a stoic display of steely resolve. Rather, they employed strategies to distract themselves from focusing on the marshmallow. And in fact, subsequent research shows that parents can do much to help their children develop self-control strategies and their ability to delay gratification. This is obviously very good news for parents.

Now you may be thinking, “Great!  Give me the list, I am ready to teach my child patience!” It is important to remember, that for any of these techniques to work, you must be prepared to allow your children to tolerate discomfort. In the process, you will learn to tolerate your own discomfort with saying “no,” or at least, “not yet.”  Following are some techniques:

Teach by example, using your own words to show your children the value of pushing yourself past your own comfort zone in order to achieve a longer-term goal. For example, as you change into your exercise gear, say, “I feel so comfortable in my pajamas right now and do not really feel like exercising, but I am going to go anyway because I know that will make me feel better in the long run.” A similar message can be conveyed when going to shul to minyan or to study with a chavrusa.

Enforce their keeping a commitment for a play date even if a better invitation comes up.

Give them an allowance, but before they spend it, encourage them to ask themselves if they are better off saving it until they have saved more money and can buy something better. Resist the urge to supplement their money for a pricey purchase they feel they must have right now. Instead, have them wait, and in the time it takes them to save more money, have them use the time to consider whether they really want it.

Plant a vegetable garden together from seeds that need to be watered daily so they learn to care for the garden over time and wait for the product of their efforts.

Give them a painting project that needs to dry before they can paint the next coat.

Bake challah together so that they have to wait for the yeast to bubble and the dough to rise before moving on to the braiding, etc., and then have to wait until at least the next day to eat it.

For children who demand to eat the instant the hunger urge strikes them, teach them to delay by having them set the table with you and involve them in some aspect of the preparation. Resist the urge to give them a snack while they wait.

It is certainly easier for children to stay in their zone of comfort and pleasure than to tolerate the discomfort of waiting. But it is only when they move out of the comfort zone that change and growth are possible. Learning that they can wait and that they can persist at a challenging task will build their confidence in themselves and their ability to make responsible decisions.

Finally, it’s worth making an obvious, but important, observation. As a psychologist who is also an Orthodox Jewish mother, it is impossible not to notice that halacha both inculcates and demands this important trait. Whether its Shabbos, kashrus or shemiras halashon, we as parents are constantly faced with opportunities to help our children develop self- control. At the same time, by developing self-control in our children, we equip them with the skills necessary to be successful shomrei torah u’mitzvos later in life.

Dr. Penina Zilberberg is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in children and adolescents with a private practice in Cedarhurst, NY.  She can be reached at penina.zilberberg@gmail.com.