Seidemann: A time of transition

From the other side of the bench

By David Seidemann

Issue of March 27, 2009 / 4 Nissan 5769

A child is born and eight days later he is passed from one person to another, to another and yet another before the actual circumcision takes place.

Thirteen years later at his Bar Mitzvah, a ceremony is held once again in public involving a congregation of well wishers.

A couple marries, they are accompanied down the aisle; the ceremony is witnessed by a throng of celebrants; and for seven days afterwards, meal after celebratory meal is held with new faces at each.

Someone leaves this world G-d forbid, and at the cemetery, the crowd forms a line as the mourners pass through. Then for seven days the family sits low as friends and neighbors come by to offer sentiments of consolation.

Don’t get me wrong, there are moments in our life cycle and daily routine where private solitude is appropriate. But one thing is clear. Judaism is not the religion for a hermit. It seems that so much of the meaningful moments in our lives must be accompanied by or performed in the presence of others.

Even our daily prayers, while technically may be said even by one not part of a group, they are in the first instance to be said in a group setting.

When a person is sick, Jewish law instructs us as to the tremendous good deed accomplished by visiting the sick, by not leaving the ill alone, unless of course the sick person requests to be left alone.

This “buddy system” –– is it a creation of latter day Rabbis or can a source be found for it in the Torah itself? And if indeed a source is found, what is the message and what is the practical application today?

While the children of Israel were commanded many times in the Torah to observe the Sabbath, something unique occurred regarding their instruction to keep the Sabbath after their sin of the golden calf. After the sin of the golden calf, G-d instructed all of the elders and all of Israel to gather as a group, to once again be instructed regarding Sabbath observance, the buddy system found in the Scriptures.

Animal sacrifices were part and parcel of the generation of Sinai and none of the sacrifices required that the meat be eaten in a “group.” None, except for the Paschal offering, which had to be eaten within a group or family, within the buddy system.

The connection between all of the above: circumcision, Bar-Mitzvah, marriage, sickness and death is “transition.” The Torah recognizes that at times of transition, man should not be left alone to his own devices. Decisions made at times of transition, while in the throws of an emotional high such as a marriage, or an emotional low such as the death of a loved one; decisions made at such a time are often irrational.

Transition of any nature from a worse predicament to a better one, or from a better station in life to a worse one, is lonely. Encouragement of others that have passed that way before is needed. And so the newly married couple is surrounded by a group in the same vain that a mourner is surrounded by a group. Both, notably for seven days.

That first Passover, the Children of Israel were transitioning from slaves to free men. Hence, the Passover lamb had to be eaten in a group. After the first national sin, that of the golden calf, the Children of Israel needed to transition from a nation of sinners to a nation of repenters. And so, all of the Children of Israel, flanked by their elders were summoned together, as a group, to aid in that transition.

When those experiencing transition are left alone, without guidance and advice, havoc ensues. (Can you spell stimulus package?) When someone transitions into a leadership role and over time fails to appreciate that “transition” occurs on a daily basis, he tends to forget that he was placed in a position to serve the public and not to rule the public. A once competent and sensitive leader often becomes a ruthless dictator where the “ends” justify the “means.” As if that would not be enough of a cause for concern, the leader actually reinvents the “ends.” What emerges is a scenario whereby perverted ends are justifying discompassionate means.

A group of teenagers was once asked about their relationship with their parents. One child spoke of physical abuse. Another spoke of verbal abuse. Each teenager shared another form of abuse perpetrated upon he or she by a parent. The last child spoke softly and commented that the abuse she suffered was far worse than any type previously mentioned. Worse than the hitting; worse than the screaming; worse than the insults; “my parents,” she said, “my parents ignore me.”

We all know people that are suffering through some sort of transition now. Now is the time to share that meal of transition, be it one of joy or one of sorrow. Now is the time to share that meal of transition together as one group, one family.

David Seidemann is a partner with the law firm of Seidemann & Mermelstein. He can be reached at (718) 692-1013 and at ds [at] lawofficesm.com.