Opinion: EXCLUSIVE: O-M-G the Government is hiding sequester horrors

Thank G-d for Senator Harry Reid and Congressman Hank Johnson. Everybody knows that the sequester is the worst thing to happen to this country since My Mother The Car was cancelled by NBC in 1966, but there are horrible things about the sequester the federal government is hiding from the people.

Last week on the Senate floor Harry Reid let slip some of those unknown effects:

“But the sequester could also cost this country – and humankind – a cure for AIDS or Parkinson’s disease or cancer.”

The day after that, Congressman Johnson urged “this tea party Congress” to keep “children’s birthday parties on schedule and give industries that rely on helium the lift that they deserve. Surely those harmed by sequestration and those harmed by the Republican failure to appoint budget conferees appreciate the House spending two full legislative days on this most critical issue.

At first I thought the Majority Leader and Rep Johnson were just being hyperbolic. But then, in the middle of Sunday night, I woke up screaming “HOLY COW! That’s Horrible!” The scream had nothing to do with Harry Reid --I had a nightmare about going to the beach and seeing Helen Thomas wearing a bikini.

As I recovered from that awful picture which will never be totally erased from the outer corners of my cerebral cortex, my thoughts turned to what those two members of Congress said regarding the sequester. “What if they are correct?” I thought, “OMG! What if there are other sequester disasters the public doesn’t know about?”

I must have been talking out loud because just then my wife woke up and said to me, “ You are 55! That is way too old to say O-M-G! Especially at 3 AM! You sound like a 12-year-old gir-- now let me sleep!”

Leaving the bedroom to think, I resolved to find out what else the government was hiding about this horrible sequester.

As I usually do with perplexing questions such as this, I called my Cousin Ben, the Spy (his mother wanted him to be a doctor but he is a germ-aphobe). Ben had just gotten back from consulting with the FBI in their investigation to find out the real reason Ann Curry was booted from the Today Show.

The Government was hiding information and Ben was the perfect man for the job. When he was in college he investigated why everyone in Metropolis fell for Superman’s Clark Kent disguise-- after all the only real difference was a pair of glasses. The reason was they had only one TV Network MSNBC, which affected their brain patterns so dramatically they believe anything they are told.

After yelling at me for waking him up in the middle of the night, Ben accepted his assignment (he had to---summer was coming up. I have a pool in my backyard and he lives two hours from the beach).

Ben changed out of the official Spy Master Underoos he received during a previous case and left for the District of Columbia.

On Monday morning I received this email from Ben:

To Jeff

From Ben

Subject: Holy moly! This Sequester Thing is going to Be Real Bad

Jeff you were right--I broke into Harry Reid’s office and found a memo on his desk titled, “Secret Stuff The Sequester Will Cause: At the top of the list were the Airport delays. Number two a cure for AIDS or Parkinson’s disease or cancer; below that was no helium for birthday balloons and then...well all I can say is O-M-G! [Note: I knew I got that expression from somewhere]. Look at this list:

1.Airport Delays

2.Failure to find a cure for AIDS or Parkinson’s disease or cancer

3.There will be no helium to blow up balloons for little children’s birthday parties

4.More TV Shows about the Kardashians

5.The Movie Battleship

6.Bar Rafali will have to French Kiss more nerds on TV

7.People will believe Donald Trump was a legitimate political future

8.The Mayan Apocalypse will be further delayed

9.The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

10.Jimmy Fallon will replace Jay Leno

11.Apple Stock Will Tank

12.Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil will be arrested for perjury by the Tea Party radicals

13.AMC will announce a new version of Celebrity Bowling

14.Global Warming will be proven a hoax

15.Anthony Weiner will make a political comeback and more pictures of his “privates” will be released

16.Some Conservative Blogger in NY will have a horrible dream about Helen Thomas in a bikini

Well at the very least I finally know where that gross dream came from.

There it was in black and white, sixteen horrible things that have happened or are about to happen because the United States is being forced to slow its rate of spending increase. I don’t know if the country can survive all this. Let’s face it, we are a resilient people but I am not sure we are that resilient.

Then I noticed Ben had written more.

O-M-G, Jeff there is fine print on the bottom of the page:

WARNING: It is very important that all the above horrible side effects of Sequester are blamed on the ultra-right winged extremist Republican Party (even though they aren’t real).

At first I thought, my wife is right…that O-M-G stuff is annoying.

Then I realized, this sequester disaster talk is a trick! It’s all a political ruse!

What the Federal Government is hiding is the fact that nothing bad is resulting from the sequester other than Harry Reid and his Democratic colleagues making up disasters to blame on the GOP. In the end, the worst things coming from the sequester are the hyperboles coming from the Democrats who do not want federal spending slowed down.

Jeff Dunetz is the Editor/Publisher of the political blog “The Lid” (www.jeffdunetz.com). Jeff contributes to some of the largest political sites on the internet including American Thinker, Big Government, Big Journalism, NewsReal and Pajama’s Media, and has been a guest on national radio shows including G. Gordon Liddy, Tammy Bruce and Glenn Beck.