Opinion: Bring them a Kugel

The New Year has begun. We are involved in prayer and good deeds. We are more introspective than usual. We even try our hardest to eliminate or at least limit Lashon Hora. All are excellent and productive ways to enhance ourselves and the quality of our lives. Psychologists see this as part of their stock in trade. A new phrase in the field has emerged in recent years referring to this idea. Positive psychology is the study of how character, good feelings, inner strengths, resilience, creativity, wisdom and virtue develop in individuals and communities. The three central points of this new positive psychology are optimistic emotions, developing positive traits and constructive community institutions. If I may, positive psychology is not a new idea but rather a form of mussar focusing on personal discipline, healthy virtues, ethics and consideration for others.

I applaud attempts to become a better person and hope they are not limited to New Year’s resolutions rapidly overlooked once the holidays are over. To help us accomplish positive change I would like to make a simple suggestion. As we make vows to change our behaviors I would suggest that we all spend a little more time not just on actions but on words. That is, I would like to strongly urge us to think before we speak. This, of course, is not a new idea, either. I am not claiming that it is. I am only restating the concept because I have accumulated some statements that I have heard from people in the last year that have had fearful consequences, even when they were not meant quite the way they were perceived. The mussar texts tell us of the power of words but we often cannot relate to the concept. So allow me to give you just a few examples of how we might do better.

“I will not let my son go out with that girl. She has no father.” This line was said to the widowed mother of the young woman. The mother had lost her husband and her children lost their father to a terrible illness. The comment was not said maliciously. It was said to justify a horribly mistaken notion that because the young woman’s father passed away she might carry a genetic abnormality that would pass the disease to all of her future children. Both the woman and her mother were scarred not just by the idea but by the painful sentence itself. Not every thought we have is necessarily true. Not every thought we have must be said aloud.

“I heard that he lost his job so I brought him a sweet lukshen kugel.” I guess the person was well intentioned but stop a moment and think about it. If you just lost your job would you need or even want a kugel? Would you want someone telling their friends that they brought you a kugel under these circumstances? It is a sociological fact that people define themselves in large measure by their jobs. Someone who just lost their job is suffering an immediate blow to their ego. Their sense of direction and accomplishment, even basic identity, is threatened. Bringing a kugel is perhaps a nice gesture but not what a person who is so at odds needs. It is viewed perhaps as a minimization of the loss. What this person truly needs is someone who will quietly listen for a while. Once the initial loss is accepted try to help this person network — help them find agencies, institutions or individuals who can help them back into the work force. And only after you do that, ask them if they even like kugel before you drop one off.

The line I still hear that really is most upsetting is this: “it doesn’t happen in our community.” Abuse happens in all communities. We have our share of pedophiles, thieves, schemers and general low-lifes. To pretend otherwise is to ignore, even repel those who have been hurt and abused. The extension of the argument that it doesn’t exist in our community is that “surely the rates are much lower by us.” We do not know this to be true but even if it is we still cannot dismiss the fact that problems occur and that we are obligated to deal with them, not sweep them under the rug and pretend that they do not exist.

If we set up some simple guidelines for the words we choose to use we can go a long way toward helping ourselves and others, even our institutions to become more welcoming, more nurturing and more positive. And, isn’t that what the Yomim Norim are really about!

Dr. Salamon is a Fellow of the American Psychological Association and the founder and director of the Adult Developmental Center in Hewlett, NY. His recent books include, The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures [Urim Publications] and Every Pot Has a Cover: A Proven Guide to Finding, Keeping and Enhancing the Ideal Relationship [Rowman & Littlefield].

The New Year has begun. We are involved in prayer and good deeds. We are more introspective than usual. We even try our hardest to eliminate or at least limit Lashon Hora. All are excellent and productive ways to enhance ourselves and the quality of our lives. Psychologists see this as part of their stock in trade. A new phrase in the field has emerged in recent years referring to this idea. Positive psychology is the study of how character, good feelings, inner strengths, resilience, creativity, wisdom and virtue develop in individuals and communities. The three central points of this new positive psychology are optimistic emotions, developing positive traits and constructive community institutions. If I may, positive psychology is not a new idea but rather a form of mussar focusing on personal discipline, healthy virtues, ethics and consideration for others.

I applaud attempts to become a better person and hope they are not limited to New Year’s resolutions rapidly overlooked once the holidays are over. To help us accomplish positive change I would like to make a simple suggestion. As we make vows to change our behaviors I would suggest that we all spend a little more time not just on actions but on words. That is, I would like to strongly urge us to think before we speak. This, of course, is not a new idea, either. I am not claiming that it is. I am only restating the concept because I have accumulated some statements that I have heard from people in the last year that have had fearful consequences, even when they were not meant quite the way they were perceived. The mussar texts tell us of the power of words but we often cannot relate to the concept. So allow me to give you just a few examples of how we might do better.

“I will not let my son go out with that girl. She has no father.” This line was said to the widowed mother of the young woman. The mother had lost her husband and her children lost their father to a terrible illness. The comment was not said maliciously. It was said to justify a horribly mistaken notion that because the young woman’s father passed away she might carry a genetic abnormality that would pass the disease to all of her future children. Both the woman and her mother were scarred not just by the idea but by the painful sentence itself. Not every thought we have is necessarily true. Not every thought we have must be said aloud.

“I heard that he lost his job so I brought him a sweet lukshen kugel.” I guess the person was well intentioned but stop a moment and think about it. If you just lost your job would you need or even want a kugel? Would you want someone telling their friends that they brought you a kugel under these circumstances? It is a sociological fact that people define themselves in large measure by their jobs. Someone who just lost their job is suffering an immediate blow to their ego. Their sense of direction and accomplishment, even basic identity, is threatened. Bringing a kugel is perhaps a nice gesture but not what a person who is so at odds needs. It is viewed perhaps as a minimization of the loss. What this person truly needs is someone who will quietly listen for a while. Once the initial loss is accepted try to help this person network — help them find agencies, institutions or individuals who can help them back into the work force. And only after you do that, ask them if they

even like kugel before you drop one off.

The line I still hear that really is most upsetting is this: “it doesn’t happen in our community.” Abuse happens in all communities. We have our share of pedophiles, thieves, schemers and general low-lifes. To pretend otherwise is to ignore, even repel those who have been hurt and abused. The extension of the argument that it doesn’t exist in our community is that “surely the rates are much lower by us.” We do not know this to be true but even if it is we still cannot dismiss the fact that problems occur and that we are obligated to deal with them, not sweep them under the rug and pretend that they do not exist.

If we set up some simple guidelines for the words we choose to use we can go a long way toward helping ourselves and others, even our institutions to become more welcoming, more nurturing and more positive. And, isn’t that what the Yomim Norim are really about!