Not calling the Kallah crisis

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Dear Aviva,
I just got engaged 2 months ago and have a problem. My friends and I used to be very tight. We would hang out all the time and go away to different places for Shabbos. I have begun to notice that they have been calling me less and less. I see on Facebook that they are still going to cool places for Shabbos and I don’t even get invited. I understand that it’s hard for them that they are still single and I’m getting married, but I thought that our friendship was based on more than just being single together. I’m really hurt.
-Betrayed Bride

Dear Betrayed Bride,
It’s funny, because usually I see the opposite problem. It’s very typical for a kallah to drop her friends like a hot potato once she’s got a man on her proverbial arm. I guess in your case, you’re serious about keeping your friends. What I suggest is going to take a lot of energy on your part. Amidst your planning a wedding, setting up your new home, navigating in-law issues, going to kallah classes, and maintaining a healthy relationship with your chassan, you will now have to chase your friends. Not quite a Runaway Bride, more like a Running-to-Getcha kind of bride. Call each friend (don’t email) once a week. Be pushy. Ask on Monday what their Shabbos plans are. Invite them all to dinner (sans your guy). Text when you find out about a blowout sale. And when you’re with them, don’t talk about your wedding. And try to steer clear of any fiancée talk. I know that he is now a big part of your life, but your friends have dropped you for a reason. It may be very painful for them. Having a friend meet a life-goal can be a sharp reminder to the person that she is not there yet. Resentment and jealousy are common in this situation, so do your best not to flaunt things in their faces. Another possibility may be that your friends don’t know what to make of your new status. Meaning, they know how to be friends with a single woman, but not with an engaged one. We see this often on the flip side of life. When something tragic happens to a person, close friends of theirs may shy away because they just don’t know what to do or say. Thank goodness yours is a case of simcha, but you are now someone that they may not be able to relate to superficially. So trap them and show them that the core relationship is still there.
If you tried all this and they are still MIA, it’s time to have a talk. Hopefully your communication skills have grown since you’ve been in a committed relationship (and if they haven’t, for your sake, call me ASAP!). So apply your new-found open-eared, tactfully-honest, assertively-respectful, good timing, deep-breathing, soft-worded skills to your friends now. Most likely they think that you just got your golden ticket and are impervious to any hurt. Thanks to Disney and Hollywood, many believe that a diamond on a finger forms a force-field around a bride which does not allow any sadness or disappointment to penetrate. If you tell them that you miss them and feel left out, that may be extremely eye-opening for them. Also ask them if you did anything to hurt them.
Hardest part? Making sure you don’t leave your chassan in the dust. Because your friends don’t want to hear about another marriage biting the dust.
-Aviva

Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice who can be reached at AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com.