Kosher Critic: Shavuot with or without the Red Bull

Pesach had been over for maybe forty-eight hours before I first heard someone ask me “So, what are we doing about Shavuot?” The question was asked by one of my Shavuot night learning buddies, with whom I also share a subsequent breakfast and early minyan. His question solidified the realization that such is the nature of modern Jewish observance, once one Yom Tov is behind us, we immediately begin obsessing about the one facing us.

Nonetheless, it got me thinking about Shavuot night, which becomes increasingly more difficult as I get older. So in preparation for next month’s Torah-inspired all-nighter, I went to the grocery store and bought every energy drink I could find that had a hashgacha on it. What followed was a harrowing taste test that raised my heartbeat to dangerous levels and at one point caused me to hallucinate that I was some sort of a humming bird. Despite the frenetic horror in the aftermath of the taste test, my research yielded a short review of what I think are the best kosher energy drinks on the market.

Brain Toniq: An organic energy drink that contains no chemicals or artificial sweeteners. Brain Toniq has a very pleasant citrus and tea flavor with a mild carbonation that makes it feel more like an Italian soda then an energy drink. For this reason alone it deserves a place on this list as the best tasting of all the energy drinks.

Rock Star: Holds a 14 percent share of the energy drink buying market, Rock Star is the world’s leading energy drink brand. Though Rock Star puts out a variety of flavors, I found the “original flavor” to be best. It was something akin to a highly carbonated acidic lemon lime soda. Rock Star comes in a 16-ounce can and provides a whopping 280 calories and 62 grams of sugar for a very effective product.
Red Bull: Certified by the KF, Red Bull is the Château Latour of energy drinks. The flavor of Red Bull is citrus and slightly reminiscent of a syrupy Mountain Dew. But it is light compared to many of its competitors and doesn't sit as heavily in the stomach. Easily Red Bull is my energy drink of choice.

Java Monster’s Loca Moca: Also known for its ridiculous serving size and multiple flavors, Monster Energy actually strikes a win with its Loca Moca flavor. A coffee-based energy drink, Loca Moca is pleasantly chocolaty without being overly sweet. Containing the equivalent caffeine as several 8-ounce servings of coffee, Loca Moca makes for the best pick me up.

Concluding my research, I decided that energy drinks are the fire extinguisher of the beverage world. They should all be placed in boxes reading “in case of emergency, break glass” scrawled in giant red letters. Yes, I drink them under duress during road trips or when I am particularly tired and require a jolt but I do so without any real pleasure. Ingesting them is more like swallowing a particularly unpleasant but effective medication. As the energy drink’s effects faded, my hands stopped shaking, my heart rate normalized and the brief stint of ataxia came to an end. Though I hope my research has in some way helped you make an informed choice as to your preferred energy beverage, I would personally stick with espresso.

Please note that not all energy drink flavors are kosher; labels should be carefully checked.

Zechariah Mehler is a widely published food writer and expert in social marketing. Follow him on Twitter @thekoshercritic