Introducing a weekly advice column by Aviva Rizel

My daughter is a very good girl. She is a sophomore in high school and gets very good grades without working too hard. She has great friends and is happy, overall. She gets along well with my two sons, but is jealous of my slimmer daughter.

My problem is her shopping. I think she is addicted. She and her friends spend most of their time in the mall, and she often shells out $200-$400 dollars a trip. I have told her that she has to learn to budget herself better, and that if she doesn’t change, I will be forced to tell my husband what is going on. That helped for a few weeks. Now she’s started to frequent Central Avenue more and more. Often, she will come home with “gifts” for me that are overpriced and not even my taste. Yesterday, I caught her with stuffed bags from Tommie and Co and Banana Republic. It’s starting again in full swing.

Should I tell her that she can’t hang out with her shopping friends? Or do you think that this issue stems from her inferiority complex since her sister is two sizes smaller than her?

-Mother Against Shopping Addiction

Dear Mother Against Shopping Addiction,

Whoa. I have some big questions for you before we even think about shopping.

Why are you trying to be a single parent when you are not?

You, so innocently, stated that, “if she doesn’t change her behavior, I will be forced to tell my husband what is going on.” Let me ask you this: if you were a young teen who had two parents who kept secrets from each other, and you were in a powerful position to actually force them to communicate honestly, even at your own expense, what would you do?

Unless you improve your relationship with your husband, your daughter’s shopping will likely get worse. And if her problem resolves itself, you’ll likely see some other issue emerge among one of your kids that forces you and your spouse to rally around that child.

Why are you hiding this problem from your husband? Forget your daughter’s shopping issue for now. She and your other kids will benefit much more from a realignment of your family’s structure.

You and your husband are supposed to be equals at the top of your family’s hierarchy. Your kids are on a lower level than you. They have rights, of course, but everything must go through the king and queen for approval. What is expected of them should be clear and consistent. Sometimes, your children will exceed their rights, in which case, the heads of the family (namely, you AND your husband) must investigate and agree on a fair consequence.

When the family is out of alignment, a child will often nominate him or herself to snap the hierarchy back into place, even at if it means damaging him or herself. In extreme cases, this is easily done through drug use or an eating disorder. The parents are forced to work together as a team, as they should.

Your case does not seem as extreme, but it is something that definitely needs attention.

Why are you scared to tell your husband? Are you trying to do him a favor by not upsetting him, or are you trying to protect your daughter from him? Or worse, are you afraid of him?

If your intentions are to save him from distress, I think you can simply approach him and tell him what is currently going on with the shopping. Then, the two of you should agree on a fair punishment.

Be conscious to avoid this situation in the future. If something comes up and your knee-jerk reaction is to hide it from your husband, the first thing that you should do is have a talk with him and divulge. It will be difficult at first, but will soon become more natural.

This may resolve your daughter’s shopping problem. If you and your husband are acting as equal co-parents and your daughter is still spending, examine the messages that you are giving her.

It is confusing if a parent tells her daughter to stop shopping, but then forks over a wad of cash Sunday morning, or covers the credit card bill. Instead, you should establish a realistic budget that you stick to. You can let her have extra money for her birthday, or for special events. If possible, she should also look for ways to earn her own money.

Now, if you have been colluding with your daughter in order to protect her from your husband, you should still try the above suggestions. If you feel that your husband overreacts and is very harsh, speak to him about it as a co-parent. If he is not improving, a parenting book such as, “The Kazdin Method to Parenting the Defiant Child” by Alan Kazdin might be helpful to both of you. If that doesn’t work, family therapy may be in order.

If you are fearful of his harsh reaction for your own sake, that is a different story altogether and I do not advise you to follow the above methods. I don’t know your exact situation, but I advise you to start seeing a competent therapist whom you “click” with to examine if this is healthy or bordering on pathological.

Good luck!

Aviva

Aviva Rizel has received her Master’s in marriage and family therapy from Hofstra University and sees couples, families and individuals. She can be reached at avivarizel.mft@gmail.com.