Hanging in the balance

Life as a mother and student

Issue of August 22, 2008

Being a student is always a challenge — keeping up with schoolwork, studying for exams, turning in assignments on time. Add to that the stresses of motherhood and running a household, and suddenly a lot of balls are in the air, and there aren’t enough hands to catch them.

Because of the increasing costs of living and the workplace demand for highly educated employees, many women are opting to stay in school or return to school even while raising young children. Women, like me, who have decided to throw themselves back into the world of textbooks and lab equipment — and homework of their own. Women, like me, with families and the accompanying responsibilities, who have taken on the challenge of improving their lives one, or five, or even a dozen credits at a time.

I set out to find out how these women manage their time, deal with their stress and establish a comfortable balance between school and home. It was a great project for my anthropology class, with the added benefit of assuring me that I’m not alone in feeling overwhelmed and guilty.

“The kids come first” is the phrase most uttered by the mothers I interviewed. While many admit at times feeling guilt over the choices they’ve made to succeed at school, all say that their children’s mental and physical well-being remains their top priority.

Managing their time so that the kids get the attention they need, the schoolwork is accomplished, the tests studied for, and the necessary housework done, involves finely tuned choreography on the parts of all the moms. They prioritize, they schedule, they teach their children skills of self-sufficiency, and they cut housekeeping corners where they can, all in the pursuit of a delicate balance between being a mother and being a student.

“It’s all a façade,” is how Yael, a 23-year-old mother of two very young children, puts it. “I don’t balance, I go crazy, but I take it one day at a time. It’s the only way I can manage.”

She hopes her children won’t remember the times she yells, when the stress gets to be too much, or the times she locks herself in a room to study.

Jenn, a mother of three, ages eight to 13, fears that she often neglects her children. She’s taught them how to cook, how to run to the corner store when they’re out of basics and how to test themselves on the spelling words using a tape recorder and word-perfect on the computer. Her children have learned “survival skills,” as she calls it, and have become very independent.

All of the moms I interviewed are married and none work outside the home. They have enough to deal with balancing kids, husband, home and school. While they are attending class, their children are at school or are cared for by a babysitter. Some moms have to make special arrangements for after-school care, including one who hires a tutor to do homework with her son.

Each of these women has found ways to compensate, to cope with all the demands on their time, energy and attention.

Abby is a full-time student who doesn’t watch TV — ever. She’s cut out all “second tier friendships,” making time only for her two closest friends. She relies on her 12-year-old daughter, and 11-year-old twin son and daughter to divide, fold and distribute their own laundry, as well as do a lot of the cooking and kitchen prep work, and help out with their two younger siblings. Her mother-in-law provides dinner three to five nights a week, and her “unflaggingly supportive husband” picks up the rest of the pieces. The house is not as clean as she’d like it to be, but without a cleaning lady’s help, the things that have to get done, get done. She’s proud of her ability to manage all her responsibilities and maintain a high GPA.

Sarah prioritizes and makes lists, always putting school and family above the housework and outside activities. She has full-time help in the house to clean, do laundry and care for her three children, including a baby, and depends on her husband to do the food shopping and errands. So as not to get distracted, she doesn’t allow herself to turn on the computer and doesn’t keep any books for pleasure reading in the house.

Most of the moms say they just don’t get enough sleep. Julie gets out of bed at 5:00 a.m. each morning to study and prepare for the day. Others do schoolwork and housework late at night, after the kids’ homework is done and they’re settled — it’s the only quiet time they have.

Each mom has her own way of dealing with stress. Abby and Julie make it a priority to exercise and eat right, while Judy likes to take baths or go for a walk. They all “take” time for themselves, implying that it’s not an easy thing to do. Some find it helpful to cry, listen to music, zone out and make an effort not to sweat the small stuff.

Sarah says, “I eat, I vent and I cry.” Some say they don’t deal with the stress very well at all. They fall apart, they yell, they “run away” and say they’re just not easy to live with. Each said she works hard to control her frustration and avoid taking it out on the kids.

Comparing themselves to other students, some of the moms feel they are at a major disadvantage because of their numerous obligations and demands on their time. Other, less-encumbered students have more control over their time, the moms feel, and are able to concentrate almost exclusively on school without having to worry about cooking, cleaning, dealing with a marriage, running to the pediatrician, carpools, birthday parties, shopping for whatever the kids need, etc. The moms can’t just go to study groups when they want to or spend hours on end in the library without always having to think about their kids whereabouts and needs.

On the other hand, some feel that being a mother works to their advantage — it forces them to always be prepared with their schoolwork, to always stay 10 steps ahead “in case one of the kids gets sick,” and to come up with different strategies to avoid falling behind. They’ve learned to manage their limited time and avoid problems by studying and doing schoolwork when the kids are at school.

Overall, these women are serious students, who are in school because they want to improve themselves and better their financial circumstances. Although they worry about neglecting their children and feel heartbroken when they see the disappointment on the children’s faces when they have to go to class, they take satisfaction in being good role models. Their children are proud of them and want them to succeed.

“Being in school is the best way to teach them to take school seriously,” said Judy. She feels that her kids work hard at school because they see how hard she works. All the mothers I spoke with are looking forward to reaping the benefits of their hard work.

“I can’t wait for the day when I can take my kids to the park without a textbook in my hand,” said Yael.

Chani Fertig is a professional mother of three who plans to become a nurse.