EXCLUSIVE: Mayor Bloomberg Plans Additional “Big-Soda-Type” Regulations: A Satire (Maybe)

Last week NYC Mayor Bloomberg, announced his plans to implement a ban on large sodas (more than 16- ounces) and other sugary drinks in virtually every place but the home. Bloomberg has already implemented a ban on trans fats in NYC restaurants, and a rule that fast food and other chain restaurants publicly post the number of calories in their meals.

While I understand that child obesity is an issue across the county, it’s hard to understand where Bloomberg or any government official for that matter gets the right to tell adults how much of any legal substance they can consume.

The ban on sugary drinks and baked goods in public schools (carrots for classroom birthday parties?) misguided as it is, at least takes place in a school system run by and in buildings owned by the city (their house--their rules). There is something however, very disconcerting about a government deciding what I can drink and/or eat.

I wondered about Bloomberg’s motivation. Even more of a concern was what nanny-state type legislation does the Mayor have up his sleeve next?

As I usually do in situations like this, I sent my Cousin Ben (the spy) to find out if the Mayor was about to hit New Yorkers with anything else. Ben’s mom wanted him to be a doctor but since he was afraid of the sight of blood he went to spy school instead (Did you know that the CIA spy school had a Hillel?)

Within an hour of sending Ben to Gracie Mansion, got a text from Ben, telling me he would break into the Mayor’s office as soon as left for his morning press conference

About 10am my phone rang, I knew it was Ben (well, either Ben or my wife calling to remind me of the errands I promised to run during my lunch hour).

Ben was all excited, “I found it,” he said, “Bloomberg is planning new rules! I found them on his desk right next to a framed picture of Darth Vader with the caption, “NYC I Am Your Father.” I will fax them to you”

After reading the new rules I phoned Cousin Ben who was now at his real job. “Are you sure you got the right paper? Did you look at it? This list is totally ridiculous” “

Jeff” Cousin Ben countered, “Are they any more ridiculous than trying to ban adults from adding salt to their food? And look at how that killed the Matzo ball soup industry.” I thought about it for a second, and as usual, Ben’s analysis was spot on. As ridiculous as some of these items seem in the world of nanny-state progressive thinking, they are totally logical. Take a look at the list below:

FROM THE DESK OF MICHAEL BLOOMBERG

MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY

EMPEROR OF ALL THE EYES CAN SEE

To: Staff

From: Emperor Bloomberg

We have decided to add additional regulation once the 16-ounce ban is approved (and trust me, it WILL be approved). Below is a list of the items needing regulation. We wish you to begin work on the formal language and get back to us by next week.

New Regulations:

Running with scissors will now be punishable with hard prison time.

As the newly appointed director of environmental protection, Sheryl Crow will have “police powers” to regulate the use of toilet tissue. Anybody using more than one square at-a-time will be prevented from making purchases of toilet paper for a period of no more than one year. Families that re-use their paper will get a break on property taxes.

Any coffee or other hot beverage (decaf, of course) must be consumed in a cup holding no more than 10 ounces. The cup must be brought to one’s mouth via the right hand, with the outside digit on that hand extended outwards.

It is our order that fans of the New York Football Giants who live within the New York City limits will no longer be able to paint their faces and bodies blue--heck, we saw what happened to the lady painted gold in the James Bond movie Goldfinger. Fans of the New York Jets will still be allowed to paint themselves green as they are promoting the correct environmental policies.

All bars, pubs, and taverns operating within the city limits must display a large banner with the following words. “In case of bar fight, PLEASE, no hitting near the mouth. Your mother paid a lot for the orthodontic work!”

Economically disadvantaged people with squeegees will be allowed to wait on the Manhattan side of the above river crossings as well as the Lincoln and Holland tunnels. They will be allowed to push drivers into allowing the “cleaning” of their windshields as long as their squeegees are sterilized each evening with distilled water.

Stores selling meats will no longer be allowed to sell packages of chicken with only white meat breasts or dark meat wings. We want to ensure that this city remains diverse and inclusive.

When the temperature falls below 50 degrees, all buses, trains and taxis operating in the city are prohibited from allowing people to board their vehicles if they are not wearing the proper hat and overcoat. Instead they will be sent home for the proper attire. Otherwise those people will catch a cold and/or flu, infecting the entire vehicle and driving up medical costs across the city.

So may it be written, so it may be done!

WOW! Ben really did it this time. I can’t believe Bloomberg left this on top of his desk where anyone (like Ben) could find it.

Obviously the rules above are not real (but I do have a Cousin Ben), they are simply the product of a somewhat warped mind (mine). But consider this--based on what he has done so far, is it that inconceivable that Michael Bloomberg has other ridiculous rules in store for New Yorkers?

And please don’t tell me Bloomberg is setting the rules to save money because that’s simply not true. As Jonah Goldberg explained in his latest book, The Tyranny of Clichés (a must read):

Think about it--nearly every person who dies before they retire saves society money, because that way the government gets to pocket their Social Security and Medicare tax payments without paying anything back out. Moreover, the older you get, the more medical costs accumulate. From a purely actuarial perspective, all of these people...who claim that our health-care system needs to be reformed because our life expectancy is too low (its not) miss the point that if we dramatically increased life expectancy in this country we would lose money on the deal, because that would mean dramatically increasing the length of time old people collect retirement benefits and increasing the number of claims they make on the health-care system.

In other words “the state” has no interest in keeping us healthy. The only reason for these rules is that Bloomberg’s progressive policies direct him to tell people how to live their lives. That is not what this country is about.

Jeff Dunetz is the Editor/Publisher of the political blog “The Lid” (www.jeffdunetz.com). Jeff contributes to some of the largest political sites on the internet including American Thinker, Big Government, Big Journalism, NewsReal and Pajama’s Media, and has been a guest on national radio shows including G. Gordon Liddy, Tammy Bruce and Glenn Beck. Jeff lives in Long Island.