Chanukah connection: Sharing a distant light

For generations, lighting the Chanukah candles together has been the stuff of lifelong memories. But today’s far-flung families are increasingly challenged to share the experience. Today’s parents and grandparents are called upon to apply ingenuity, creativity, flexibility and some basic technical know-how to successfully span the miles with Chanukah spirit.

In fact, says author Anita Diamant, who’s generated a library of guidebooks on modern Jewish life, including How to Raise a Jewish Child: A Practical Handbook for Family Life, “my family enjoys Chanukah kitsch so much we keep it going over the miles.”

When her daughter was in college, Diamant would send a box of “Chanukah stuff as counterweight to the Christmas decorations.” The “stuff” — menorah, gelt, candles (flame-free for those in dorms) can include modest gifts for each of the eight nights.

Indeed, many find that Chanukah invites us to shelve our refined sensibilities for eight days. There’s no such thing as bad taste — the tackier, the better, according to some.

Technology can be a parent’s best friend. Diamant recommends sending long-distance kids a “light-hearted” text or email on each night complete with a holiday story and a link to a Chanukah song, “plus a video of you lighting your chanukiyah at home.”

Whatever form it takes, Chanukah love from home is never more appreciated than in these days of anti-Israel — often outright anti-Semitic — influences on many North American campuses.

“Even celebrating a happy Jewish holiday like Chanukah can get tricky on campuses today,” says Tammi Rossman-Benjamin of AMCHA Initiative, a watchdog organization monitoring North American campuses. “And yet, the Chanukah story — about the few against the many — has so much to say about the threats that Jewish students face today. We know what happened thousands of years ago on this small piece of land, which the anti-Israel forces are telling us we have no historical right to. It reminds students that, even more basic than the latkes and sufganiyot, is that this awesome story and this ancient land truly belong to them.”

Lone soldiers relive that story daily. But it’s not always easy on their parents. “Chanukah is when I miss them the absolute most, and when we light, I usually cry,” says Hadassah Sabo Milner, a mom of three IDF lone soldiers, who lives with her youngest son and husband in New York. “On Chanukah, we were always singing ‘Maoz Tzur’ really badly together. And even though I’m not the kind of mom who needs to talk to my kids every day — they need to live their lives without having to check in all the time — when we light here, it’s the middle of the night in Israel, and I can’t just pick up the phone and call.”

‘Begin new traditions all their own’

College students and soldiers have built-in communities to celebrate with. For young adults living far from family, it can be lonely. Rachael Klein Miller hosts events for young adults in Atlanta.

“It might be tough to be away from home because they haven’t quite mastered the latke recipe, they’re putting together a makeshift menorah,” says Miller. “But being away from home also means that they’ve started to pave their own path; it’s a chance to share traditions from home and begin new traditions.”

When they pose for a group candle-lighting photo, “there’s a glimpse of peoplehood — of feeling connected to the Jewish community and loving the chance to share that pride.”

Whereas young adults are celebrating beloved traditions from childhood, young children are busy forming their memories, and grandparents want to be part of that happy process.

Even when she can’t be with them on the holiday, Ann Wanetik, who lives in the Detroit area, takes advantage of her visits to her eight grandchildren, all of whom happen to live in one small country in the Middle East. “Whenever I’m in Israel in the fall, I take each one out separately and let them choose what they want for Chanukah,” she says. “It’s an opportunity to have some time alone with each one, focus on what that child enjoys most and buy them something special they pick out themselves.”

Taking advantage of Skype and the Internet

For Boston-area grandmother Ruth Nemzoff, technology erases the miles. “You’ve got to get with the program,” she says.

Nemzoff, author of Don’t Roll Your Eyes: Making In-Laws Into Family, and known as “Mama Ruth” to her 11 grandchildren ages 8 months to 18 years, has developed a full program of Chanukah connections with those on the West Coast and in Washington.

“No matter what, when you live at a distance you have to be resourceful in creating Chanukah with your grandchildren, but with interfaith ones, it’s even more important,” says Nemzoff, a board member at InterfaithFamily. “I’m not big on materialism, and the goal is not to compete with the gifts under the tree, but I do want to share this special tradition with them,” she adds.

The Internet makes much of this possible,. Through it, she sends her younger grandkids DVDs and the older ones Chanukah songs. She’ll send small gifts, and in this Skype-able world light the candles, open gifts and even make latkes “together.” “Sometimes, I also email them a picture of the gift they’ll get the next time we visit.”

Sometimes, even with the best of distance-spanners, it’s hard to beat the appeal of a sloppy sufganiyot-flavored kiss.

“We usually just get on a plane,” says Baltimore bubbe Belle Libber. Be it to Milwaukee, Atlanta or Israel (one daughter lives nearby), Libber and her husband have racked up frequent-flyer miles. “There’s nothing like being right there with them,” she says.

When that isn’t possible, love can travel at the speed of light — namely, the light of the menorah, says Rabbi Yisroel Gordon, principal of Machon Los Angeles. “One reason Chanukah makes a lot of people really homesick is the power of the menorah light itself, the only remnant we still have of the priests’ service in the holy temple,” he says. “Chanukah reminds us of the importance of family since it was one courageous Jewish family, Matisyahu and his five sons, who created this miracle and saved the Jewish people.”

“If I were a mystic,” he adds, “I’d say that, gazing at the lights, you can feel that wherever they are, your child is gazing at the same lights along with you.”