Ask Aviva: Surviving the holidays with the in-laws

Being married has made me dread Yomim Tovim. My husband and our baby son move into my in-laws’ house, and it is really hard on me. My in-laws don’t respect my wishes as a parent (they put the baby directly on the floor to play, even though I have asked them repeatedly to put him on a blanket). They are really annoying in many other ways, but the worst is when they blatantly disregard my preferences as a parent. They just pooh-pooh any special requests that I have, which adds insult to injury. My husband doesn’t get involved, partly because they are not violating his rules, and partly because he doesn’t want to start a fight. I am barely recovering from Rosh Hashanah with them! Help!

-Dreading Yuntif

Dear Dreading Yuntif,

Hold on, I am very confused here. You started out by saying that “being married has made you dread Yomim Tovim” and you backed it up by saying that you don’t like going to your in-laws for Yuntif because they don’t respect your parenting. Did you mean to say that being a mommy makes you dread Yomim Tovim? Or did you dread it before you had the baby?

I have a feeling that you had an issue with this before the baby, since that’s what you said in your opening line. So why are you letting your innocent, defenseless little babe be the scapegoat here? What is your issue? Can you please boil things down? Because if you don’t, and you continue using the baby-shield, you will have done something very unhealthy and very unfair to your child. It’s called “triangulating.” You are one party and you have an issue with another party. Instead of dealing with it directly, you are bringing in a third party as a diversion and excuse. This added angle changes your single issue into a triangle. If you continue with this pattern over the years, the one who will lose out the most is your son. Why? Because he will pick up on the fact that you are upset with his relationship with his grandparents. He will try to defend both of you and even try to prevent anything from happening that would cause you to be upset. For example, let’s say you hate how they cook because you are a health nut. He may “protect” you by telling them that he ate already, when he, in fact, missed breakfast.

I know that I am jumping ahead when we are just talking about a little baby who sleeps at his grandparents’ house for a week. But if this is what comes naturally to you when you are faced with adversity, then I am concerned. I am concerned that you may have this habit at home too. I am concerned that when you want your husband to come home earlier, you will stretch the truth and claim that the baby is “hysterical.” I am concerned that when your baby is 5-years-old, and you didn’t finish cooking in time for Shabbos, you tell him that he should have picked up his toys so that you could have had more time in the kitchen.

Try to sort things out in your head of what’s causing what.

Now, onto the issue that you presented with: Your in-laws are annoying and they don’t listen to you regarding baby-care. This is very typical. You can take two approaches:

1. Suck it up, it’s temporary. You can count the hours until havdalah, and you can grit your teeth a little. Just be sure to flash those teeth and smile now and again. If you utilize this approach, make sure that you have designated a venting system for your feelings. If you have a strong and honest marriage, you should take your husband aside and tell him the highlights of how you are a tzaddekes and how you are keeping your smile on for shalom. Tread carefully, because if you are brutally honest, or if you exaggerate, you’ll bruise his feelings. Remember that you are talking about his parents, so make things very cut and dry. (Don’t say, “I told those morons that he can’t have eggs before 12 months!” Instead, try something along the lines of, “You know, I just saw your mother feed the baby eggs, and I’m a little nervous because the doctor said he can’t have until he’s 12 months old. Let’s look out for any allergic reactions.”)

2. Be direct. Here is where your husband needs to be on your side. It doesn’t matter that they are his parents, or that it’s your rules that are being broken. You need to be a united front, otherwise there is very little point to any attempt to enact change. Pick only one thing this Yuntif to work on. Try the blanket on the floor, if that’s what irks you the most. On the first day, make sure that both of your in-laws respectfully hear from both you and your husband that there should be a blanket under the baby when he is on the floor. Now, enforce it. Not with words, but with actions. Simply lay out the blanket and put the baby on it.

And now, I await the letter from your mother-in-law about how her house is so messy when you guys come to visit.

-Aviva

Aviva Rizel has received her Master’s in marriage and family therapy from Hofstra University and sees couples, families and individuals. She can be reached at avivarizel.mft@gmail.com.