Ask Aviva: Single and shifted

Dear Aviva,

I am single and happy. I date when I want to, and when I don’t, I enjoy the company of friends. I fit in well at work, and never had any major problems with any roommates.

I come from a large family and am the only one who is not married. I used to be able to relate to my siblings and siblings-in-law without any problem. We used to hang out and have a lot of fun. But now when we get together at my parents’ house, or when I’m invited to them, it’s totally overrun by kids. By the time the kids are sleeping, all they say is, “Wasn’t it so cute when this one said that?” and when they finally talk about me, they just ask me if I have any ladies in my life.

It’s really hard not to be able to hang out and just be. I realized that my friends are more like my family these days. Does that mean that something is wrong?

-Single Sib

Dear Single Sib,

Great news! You are normal! Woohoo! ...What now?

You’re having trouble relating to your siblings and you are realizing things are shifting around. Guess what? Things have always shifted around in your family, but perhaps you never took too much note of it because you were all shifting together at a similar pace. As a family shifts, or finds themselves in transition, new unspoken family rules are formed, and everybody finds a way to acclimate themselves to it. What you are now experiencing is simply another shift. That part is normal and typical. How you interpret it is up to you.

Is this major difference between you and your siblings something that you’ve noticed, but it doesn’t bother you much? If so, then keep things as is. Keep letting the knock-knock jokes interrupt your talk of office politics. Keep letting your nephew’s nursing schedule dictate when the conversation with your sister starts and ends. Keep letting yourself guard your yarmulke every time you sense a pre-schooler lurking behind your chair.  And keep sharing your life with your close friends who walk and talk at the same pace you do.

If, on the other hand, you feel a bit tired of being a brother, brother-in-law and uncle without being anything else, then you need to start rewriting your family’s rules. How? By either subtly trying to redefine yourself, or by blatantly making it known. I suggest starting with the subtle. There is nothing wrong with politely smiling along with the story of how docile little Aliza yells at the mailman, and then contributing your own story of how your car stalled in the middle of nowhere just as you realized that your cellphone was still charging next to your toothbrush back in your apartment. You’ll get your laughs, your time in the spotlight, and then it will shift to how your brother thinks that his wife should just splurge for the 8-seater minivan so that she can be part of a larger carpool. If you are fine with that sort of talk laced around your sort of talk, then you’re cool. You can easily continue that. Don’t hog, but don’t wait for them to pull things out of you either.

If you feel overlooked and want them to make more of an effort, make statements that invite them to relate to you on your terms. Ask them to get a babysitter, and join you for dinner out. You will see that your old siblings are hiding somewhere under the mire of parenthood. Taking them into a family-unfriendly environment will help bring out the adult in them.

What to do if the conversation is still laden with stories of booster seats and recitals? It’s time to say it straight: Your kids are so cute. But I kinda miss you sometimes.

Just as things have shifted and you have suddenly found your siblings around extra little people, things will continue to shift. Next stop is siblings with tweens and teens who would rather hang out with their own friends in the other room. And you will find yourself in a room with calm siblings. Siblings who can get a sentence out without much interruption. Siblings who are enjoying exchanging stories with their brother, their peer.

-Aviva

Aviva Rizel is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Lawrence. She can be reached at 347-292-8482 or AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com.