Ask Aviva: Seeks to sever friendship

Dear Aviva,
I’ve been friends with someone for the past 20 years. We grew up near each other and were in school together from elementary all the way to college. Now that we both have our own families, I am realizing more and more that she is (and has always been) a very jealous and negative person. She never seems to actually care about me or what I’m going through. I don’t even know why she’s kept up the connection this long.
If I first met her at this point in my life, I probably would avoid her. Am I stuck with her just because there is a history? And is there any good way to cut ties without enraging her?

-Criticized Comrade

Dear Criticized Comrade,
Good for you that you actually have grown emotionally in addition to growing in years. Consider your back patted.
So, can you be artificial friends with this person? Between Facebook, Twitter, emailing and texting, you can totally maintain a relationship that is up to par without actually investing any emotional energy into it! Hurray for socialization that doesn’t actually go deeper! Use it to your full advantage, baby.
If this doesn’t fly with her, like if she is one of the 13 people who doesn’t have a Facebook page, or if she actually has to pay for texting, then you need a new plan.
Basically, you will have to decide what you can handle. Are you strong enough to pity her jealousy, or does her negativity seep in? If you can laugh it off when she finds a way to criticize you when you look good, then try maintaining a minimal friendship. How do you know what her definition of a minimal friendship is? Lay low, and then when you see that she starts to feel neglected, you’ve found her threshold level. Is it a lunch date every month, or a 30-minute phone conversation every week?
Whatever it is, maintain it. Unless she is really, really needy. If she expects you to call her every night, then you must build a nice strong boundary in the form of “My family needs me, I will call you later this week.”