Ask Aviva: I see a therapist is that a problem?

Ask Aviva

I am dating this girl and it’s getting pretty serious. The shadchan set us up mainly because we have similar backgrounds. We have both had rocky childhoods and attended schools for kids-at-risk. We were both pretty wild in our adolescence, but have straightened out now. The thing is, I came to this straight path through a lot of therapy and emotional growth. She straightened out in seminary and grew a lot religiously. We’re both on the same religious level; we just took different routes to get there. I had to work things out in therapy and be a healthy person before I could commit to a Torah-oriented lifestyle. She kind of bypassed the emotional growth, went straight into frumkeit, and became a better person solely through mitzvos and chessed. She is great and we are great with the exception of one thing that is plaguing me. She thinks therapy is a joke and seems to indicate that if I were a stronger person, I would have been able to grow without the therapy. She views this as a flaw. I’m not happy about this, but could see myself accepting this and her. The only thing is that I still like to check in with my therapist every few months when I’m having a hard time. She isn’t comfortable with this. I see it’s becoming more and more of an issue and am wondering if this is a good reason to break up.

-Proud of my hard work

Dear Proud of my hard work,

Yes sir, you should be very proud of your hard work! I am proud of you too! It’s so great to work on your core self before taking on major commitments. Some people mistakenly look to latch themselves onto stable entities in an attempt to stabilize themselves. I’m sure you’ve seen it — it can manifest in different ways. Some people jump into a marriage during an unstable time with the hopes that this will stabilize them; others, on the brink of divorce, will try to save their marriage by having a baby; and others who lack a stable lifestyle may prematurely commit to the Torah way. The fortunate ones are the ones who actually do find security in their stabilizing object. The unfortunate ones are the ones who realize that they bit off more than they could chew. For them, adding something stable to chaos turns out to just be adding to the chaos.

I like hearing your sort of case. Clear out the chaos, clean the mess and then you have room on your table to lay down your Torah and open it. With your clean up job, you know that nothing will fall on it or (chas v’shalom) knock it off the table.

Some people are not like you and find a way to anchor themselves without calming the waves. This works for a lot of people. There is no right or wrong here. I would just want to make sure that the Torah lifestyle is not replacing the pre-existing negative stuff. (A tiny example: Somebody who has social phobia says that they don’t like to talk to others and claims it’s because they want to avoid speaking Lashon Hara).

You and your date are representatives of two very valid approaches to self-improvement. Neither one is better than the other, as long as they both include stability, predictability, flexibility, tolerance, respect and happiness.

Nothing that you’ve told me about yourself runs contrary to this. Yet, within the little bit that you’ve told me about this woman, I see she is in violation of two, maybe even three of my standards. Tsk, tsk, tsk...

Flexibility, tolerance and respect, lady! Flexibility begins with a bump in the road that you did not expect (for example, the guy that you are getting serious with seems flawed to you because he’s too dependent on a shrink). Then you must be agile enough to re-sculpt yourself to accommodate this unwanted bump (“Maybe this flaw is not actually a flaw, since he seems to be so amazing in all other areas. I guess there could be worse things than a shrink”).

Tolerance is accepting that someone does things differently than you, even though you feel like it is the wrong way to do it. Yet, you tell yourself that it is okay and it can even continue.

Respect is seeing where one ends and where the other begins. Respect is welcoming and applauding the other’s differences.

If I am on the ball and she is lacking these three things, then you should have a long talk with her about appreciating where you’ve come from and how you got to where you are now. You should talk to her about how you are two different people with different needs and that it’s important for you to constantly meet your individual needs.

Even if she totally turns around with this, your job would then be to study and observe. Is she lacking these traits across the board?

You asked me if this is a good reason to break up. Go explore and see if she too can be proud of your hard work. Your life-partner should be proud of your life’s work.

K’siva V’Chasima Tova to all of Klal Yisrael.

— Aviva

Aviva Rizel has received her Master’s in marriage and family therapy from Hofstra University and sees couples, families and individuals. She can be reached at avivarizel.mft@gmail.com.