Ask Aviva: Dating Polygamy

Ask Aviva

By Aviva Rizel

Issue of August 13, 2010/ 3 Elul 5770

Dear Aviva, Recently I went out with a guy and we really hit it off. On the third date, I found out that he is dating other girls, one other girl specifically. I felt this was very disrespectful, but he feels that I’m being clingy. Is this normal behavior for a modern Orthodox guy? Is it too much to expect monogamy anymore? — Betrayed Dear Betrayed, Forgive me for being trite, but what is normal, anyway? Particularly with couples — there is no standard by which to judge yourself against because everybody has different expectations. I always tell couples that both parties must be clear with their expectations and both should be comfortable with what is expected. What is perfectly healthy and comfortable for one couple may be outrageously unfair and imbalanced for another. As long as both parties feel safe, secure and heard, almost anything goes. How does one know about the other’s expectations? Well, it’s a pretty straightforward process. First, one party has to figure out what his/her expectations are (for example, the thought “By the third date, both parties should stop dating other people” is an expectation that one may have). The next step is a little harder: Say it! In a respectful, non-blaming way, one should verbalize to the other what the expectations are. (“I feel like a third date should represent a step toward being exclusive. I don’t feel comfortable with us dating other people at this point.”) Then, there should be a door opening for discussion. (“Do you agree? Why or why not?”). If the other is not comfortable with what is expected, both parties should try to see if they can be flexible to accommodate the other’s comfort level (without butchering their own comfort level). If the issue is a non-negotiable, then they have to make a choice. Overlook the issue if the couple is deeply committed to each other and have many other points that they agree upon. If, on the other hand, they have many points of incompatibility and are a fairly new couple, then this is likely a sign that it’s not worth pushing the relationship further. So, in your case, it seems like you are not comfortable with your guy dating other women by the third date. I’m glad that you are able to pinpoint exactly what you are unhappy with. Believe it or not, not everyone is as self-aware as you. You have passed step one with flying colors, but now it’s time to graduate to the more difficult step two. It sounds like you’ve already discussed this with your guy. But was it discussed in a respectful way? Try to analyze if you made the right moves. Did you phrase things in a way that shares the onus of responsibility? One simple way is by using “I statements.” Instead of “You shouldn’t be dating other women” or “What is up with you and your other chick?!” you should say something like, “I feel like we should be exclusive at this point because I am not dating just for fun,” or “I feel uneasy with the way things are going because I get insecure when I know that there are other dates in your life.” And of course it helps to use some butter. “I have a great time with you and think you’re so smart and funny.” If he feels like you are clingy, try to reassure him: “I’m not asking you to cut out everyone in your life, it’s just that I am looking for more security in this realm.” After openly discussing this, if he still thinks that you are being clingy, then he is not a good candidate for the type of relationship you are looking for. If someone is looking for a serious relationship (one which would lead to marriage, or at the very least, long-term dating), he or she should be cutting out the distractions. There is nothing more immobilizing than going out with someone who possesses the attributes that yesterday’s date lacked; yesterday’s date probably had something better than today’s date too. This makes decision making very difficult. Unfortunately, in the modern dating world, multi-dating is a very common thing. While it is not necessarily harmful during the first couple of dates, it is important to be focused if one is trying to form a lasting relationship. If you are looking for someone who is exclusive, you must make it very clear to your dates. Obviously you don’t have to share this preference in the first conversation. It should be something that you express at around the time that you feel the need is there. If you think he should be focused on you after a second date, make that clear before you even step foot on your third date. Otherwise you are just setting yourself up for hurt feelings and disappointment. You may find that you end up with less of a quantity of dates, but you will find that the quality of guys that you do date will compensate for the lack of frequency. In summation: if this guy doesn’t respect your need, move on. Your quest will ultimately end up being successful if you continue to know what you need and say what you need. Pro-activity is the stuff that spouses are made of.

— Aviva

Aviva Rizel has received her Master’s in marriage and family therapy from Hofstra University and sees couples, families and individuals. She can be reached at avivarizel.mft@gmail.com.