A support system for single parents

The Shabbos table is beautifully set. The candles radiate a holy glow. The young, adorable children are sitting around the table. The mother is standing silently and Kiddush is about to be made. The cup is taken in hand and sounded are the majestic words heralding Hashem’s treasure to the Jewish People by her ten year old desperately trying to recreate the family he, his siblings, and his mother had only months earlier. Abandoned, alone and afraidthe family makes HaMotzei and sits down to the Shabbos meal as the single, exhausted, and guilt-ridden mom courageously puts on a happy face.

Late Sunday night the children are asleep, the dishes are washed, the next day’s lunches are made, and a young overwhelmed widower begins to learn the Daf Yomi only to collapse from exhaustion. After sleeping all night he is awakened by his children who are running late to yeshiva.

These and other episodes of single parenting were discussed last Motzeai Shabbos January 7, 2012 as the Orthodox Union, in collaboration with the Young Israel of Flatbush hosted and presented “Empowering Success as a Single Parent” to a packed audience of single moms and dads. The first of its kind in our midst, the workshop, a community service program that took a year in the making, offered struggling single parents sound and practical advice, tips and strategies to cope with the tragic aftermath resulting from divorce or death. As in the case of any tragic event, all involved need time, friendship, and healing to come to terms with the profound changes occurring in their lives. Lives that were once full of hope and promise are shattered, leaving an abyss of regret, grieve, guilt and uncertainty. A hanging cloud of failure looms over the heads and in the hearts of all. But none more feel the betrayal and abandonment than the children. A fantasy, sometimes even lifelong, takes root in the young child’s mind that Mommy and Daddy will reunite and all will be as it once was, a two-parent home with a future. But just as an amputee must accept that the limb will not rejuvenate, so must the children accept that the bedrock of their lives is lost. But also just as an amputee learns to live life anew, even acquiring a new limb, so a mourning family can re-group, re-unite, and re-adjust and live again if a roadmap with guideposts and directions are provided. And so the workshop began.                                                                                                                                          

“We are not here to discuss was it right or wrong to end the marriage. Now that the decision was taken we are here to discuss how can we create a home safe, secure and healthy for your children,” emphasized guest speaker Rachel Pill, licensed social worker. “Parent, breadwinner, role model, tutor, counselor, maid, babysitter, friend, daughter, son, ex, widow or widower, referee, the single parent is doing jobs meant for two...and doing them extremely well, and as superhuman and heroic as they are, they feel extremely alone and lost. And unless someone is a single mom or dad no one can know the tremendous efforts it takes. And rather than be recognized for your dedication, you are condemned.”

As the hour-long workshop progressed, the audience members acquired a new perspective to cope with their sometimes insurmountable obligations and pressures. Stressing that every single parent must learn to have their own space to re-energize and re-focus only made clear how a two-parent home has the luxury to share responsibility allowing the other spouse to rest while the single parent must realize it is a necessity. “Her clear, concise and practical tips such as asking the children to do scheduled tasks around the house, and that just as it’s fine for your child to create a space to recoup, it is just as fine for mommy to her have her time and space to re-coup, give me much needed help” said Ms. C, a mother of three.

Constantly haunted by their failed marriage, the single parent needs to prove to themselves and others that their family will not be a failure. And so, the single parent becomes oblivious to their health and need for emotional healing. Burdened with economic woes and afraid they will fail their children the single parent overly focuses on the child’s well being that they place themselves in harm’s way by overtaxing their health. Single dads more than single moms become so overprotective that they are less likely to ask for a babysitter, not trusting anyone to be with their kids, resulting in the fathers never going out on a needed date with friends or a potential mate.

“I know there isn’t enough money to order out, but order out. I know there isn’t enough time to rest, but rest. I know you can’t ask for help because others will think you’re incompetent, but ask your good friends, those who won’t treat you like a charity case. You must learn to say I know, but...” pounded away Ms. Pill.  

“What got to me was that a child wants to be a child, not the father or the mother. Until tonight I would ask my eldest to throw out the garbage because that is what the ex did. I realize now that you can’t give your child, especially the eldest, the specific chore your ex did. It places them in an awkward position. It only places them in position they don’t want to be.” learned Ms. G, a mother of four.

Stigmatized by society the single parent feels as though they are an outcast. “In my practice, I know many two-parent homes that are more ‘broken’ than the so called, ‘broken home’ of the single parent,” stressed Pill. “Children need confidence above all. You can’t let anyone put down your family. Take pride in your family,” continued Pill, relaying a message that hit home with many of the attendees. The notion of stigma, the lack of support groups, the fighting in-laws, the legal problems resulting from divorce, and the isolation felt as old friends are left to the past as they now take sides with which ex to align themselves with, leave the children to fall into a bottomless pit of mistrust, fear and stress. It is only through love, nurturing and confidence building can the children eventually crawl out of the chasm. For every one word of criticism, five words of praise must be given. But given only if true.  “Kids don’t like false praise. Find a task your child is good at. Then give it to him/her. After they succeed at it, praise them. Be a parent, not a friend,” taught Pill.

Yet many single parents are unable to get on with their lives, letting the guilt of failure destroy their present as well as their future. It is only by giving up their guilt, creating a new routine, providing consistency and never showing guilt to their kids, can they create an atmosphere for re-growth and happiness. Children feel the underlying emotions of their parents. If the parents view their lives not as burdensome but as new opportunities, then the children will feel and envision a new day. But with consistency and routine comes the need for creativity and quality. Not only for one-on-one time but for family time as well.

“As a little girl, and now as a grandmother, I remember how my mother was so wise. This was in the time when there was Sunday Night Disney, when movies were still wholesome. My mother would have us bathed, dressed in pajamas, lying on a blanket on the living room eating knick-naks, as my mother and father would sit on the couch. And all of us would have a special family quality time. Do the same. Rent a wholesome movie. And have a Sunday night Family treat. You would be surprised how it brings a sense of togetherness and consistency. Plus it will give you an hour and half to get you off your feet and sit on the couch.” said Pill, bringing the audience to smile.      

“I want my son to be home on Shabbos, not just to come over, sleep and then join his friends all day the long. Understanding the notion of ‘special time’ now I will find creative ways to engage my son’s attention”, said Mr. K. 

As the workshop came to a close, Pill listed 5 Rules that must always be followed and maintained to ensure the healthy atmosphere that children torn between two homes need in order to rebuild their lives.  

1) No bad talk about the other parent.

2) Respect the other parent’s routine when your child stays over.

3) Don’t make your child a date.

4) Don’t vent your anger against your ex on your child.

5) No social isolation.

Lastly, the topic of re-marriage was mentioned. Surprisingly Ms. Pill told the audience that one should marry for themselves and not for the children. True the potential mate must like children, respect your family rituals, be able to roll off insults and pranks as kids will do when first adjusting to a new member, and be supportive of the spouse’s decisions and not offer unwanted advice; nevertheless, re-marriage must be for the parent and not for the children. Eventually the kids will leave the nest and if there is no compatibility between parent and partner then heartbreak will only repeat itself.

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