Seidemann: The power of belief [a must-read]

From the other side of the bench

By David Seidemann

Issue of April 10, 2009 / 16 Nissan 5769

I’m standing in line at my third favorite supermarket and a fellow approaches me.

“I read your article about the ‘fifth son’ –– you know the one who was absent from the Seder? Well, that’s not the problem my wife and I have. You see, all of our kids are at the Seder but we only get nachas from one of them.”

He continues to tell me that his children mirror the ones described in the Haggadah.

“One is just plain outright bad. The others, one is an under achiever and the other is just clueless.” Those were his words; I am not paraphrasing.

“We tried everything,” he says to me. “I got one of them a tutor and the other a therapist. “My wife and I just give up. We are resigned to the fact that we have our one genius and the others –– oh well, what can you do?”

So you’ve given up? I asked. “Yep,” he answers.

“I’m no expert but that might be part of the problem. If you’ve given up, your children sense that and they’ve given up. If you’ve branded one child as evil and another dumb, they know that and they have branded themselves

as evil or dumb.”

I told him that perhaps one tutor and one try at therapy was insufficient. I asked to see a picture of his kids and he produced a wallet size photo. He pointed to one child and said, “the fat one, that’s the dumb one.”

Again, those were his actual, painful words. Now I was convinced as to the source of the problem, and it was not his children.

“I notice your other children are thin, were they always thin?”

“No,” he said, “they’ve lost weight.”

“You mean they changed?”I asked.

“Yep,” he answered.

“So a child can be overweight at one time, lose weight, perhaps gain weight again and still be the same child, right?” I asked.

“I guess so,” he replied.

I walked him to his car and left him with two parting thoughts. Firstly, I suggested that not only should his children be involved in therapy, but that he should consider it for himself as well.

Secondly, I told him that perhaps he should view his “four sons” as follows.

Instead of viewing one as a sage, the other as evil, the other as an under achiever and the other as just plain dumb, view each son as containing all four parts, but perhaps just stuck in one particular phase, like an overweight child who needs a diet.

I assured him that if he would view each of his “disappointments” as potential nachas givers and convey that sentiment to them, that he would see immediate

changes, a sense of redemption.

Ten plagues lasting months; seven days before the red sea split; 40 days before the Torah could be given; and 40 years wandering in the desert before the Children of Israel could enter the land of Israel –– all because it was a process that had to unfold. All because a diet was necessary; all because each person had to change from displaying one of their less than flattering aspects to an aspect that shone, that radiated brilliance.

And since those glory days, undoubtedly we’ve slipped back to displaying other less flattering attributes. We reverted to one of the other “underachieving” sons. But it does not matter, because the all-knowing wise parent knows that we are a composite of many attributes and that His belief in us is not disturbed.

And because He believes in us, we believe in Him. But more importantly, because he believes in us, we believe in ourselves. You want a child to believe in himself, let him know that you believe in him. Lose the label and you’ll gain a child, and not just any child, but a child that will give you nachas.

That I believe is one of many profound lessons of Passover. We were a nation of idol worshipping slaves and yet G-d saw within us the potential to be a nation of supreme intellect and faith. We were underachievers who professed the ability to become wise and wise we become.

“Vaya’aminu BaHashem U’v’Moshe Avdo” –– and they, the children of Israel believed in G-d and in Moses his servant. That belief in G-d and in Moses could never have manifested had G-d and Moses not believed in the Children of Israel and had the Children of Israel not believed in themselves.

As we sit around the Seder table together with our families let us derive nachas from all of them. Those whose potential has been exposed and those who are but moments away from bursting forth. Chances are that all they need is a little more “belief” on our part.

David Seidemann is a partner with the law firm of Seidemann & Mermelstein. He can be reached at (718) 692-1013 and at ds@lawofficesm.com.