Seidemann: Live and let live

From the other side of the bench

By David Seidemann Issue of June 5, 2009 / 13 Sivan 5769

Listen to David's interview on "JM in the AM" with host Nachum Segal

uld a person go in accommodating the needs of another? What shall be sacrificed to guarantee that another human being has what he or she needs? To what degree do we sublimate our own wish list to ensure that another person’s honor is left intact? From a legal standpoint, as long as one does not infringe upon another’s constitutional rights, great leeway and deference is accorded. Live and let live has worked, albeit not perfectly, for generations. In fact entire sects within a given religion live by that credo. Entire political parties live by that mantra and those are the good groups and subgroups. All too often, however, groups within groups form, whose mission is to raise their own profile, their own agenda, through the degradation of the opposition. Sometimes, there is no other way. Sometimes the misguided principles of a group so threaten the core of existence that the fallacy of their position demands exposure, and necessitates a public rebuke of the agenda. But that is the exception and not the norm. And when we find examples of an individual or a group that extends itself to accommodate someone or something a little different, how beautiful an experience it becomes. I was not present so I can not give first hand testimony but I did hear and read the following story from multiple sources. Long before any of us were born, a certain peasant found his way to the great city, the bastion of Hassidic Jewry in that country. This poor, uneducated, unkempt Jewish farmer wandered into the Grand Hassidic Rebbe’s shul on the very day that the peasant was observing the yartzeit of his father. The only thing more out of order than this farmer’s dress was his command of the Hebrew language. As is customary on a yartzeit, he asked permission to lead the prayers. Those that didn’t laugh out loud at his request, laughed inside. Did this non Hasidic, uneducated peasant really believe he was qualified to lead the services in the Grand Rebbe’s shul ? Making matters worse, beyond his inappropriate attire, education, background and diction, was the fact that the city was in the throes of a terrible plague affecting pregnant women. Scores had perished along with their unborn. Such dire times required that the Grand Rebbe lead the prayers himself, not the simpleton. Despite vehement protestations by the assembly, the Rebbe insisted that the visitor be permitted to honor the memory of his father by leading the services. Now the Hebrew word for years is “shanim,” while the same letters rearranged spell the word “nashim,” meaning women. When the peasant reached the blessing in the Shemona Esrei that asks G-d to bless the shanim, the years, he inverted the letters and intoned that G-d should bless the nashim, the women, instead of the shanim, the years. The Hassidim were beside themselves, and began screaming at the peasant to correct his mistake, a travesty in the shul. But the Grand Rebbe knew better and that day, by dint of a peasant’s error, the women of the community were healed and the plague ended. The plague ended because someone a little bit different, someone who didn’t fit the mold, was accorded his due respect. The plague ended because this peasant unknowingly asked G-d to bless the women instead of the years. The plague ended because the simpleton was allowed to lead the prayers. Lest you think this is a lesson from yesteryear, rest assured that the same happens today though not nearly with the frequency that it should. Just last week shiva was observed for a 99-year-old man in Boro Park who was married for over 60 years to the same woman. She predeceased him by three months. Only upon this man’s passing was it revealed that he had a first wife and a first set of four children that were all murdered in the Holocaust. Throughout the duration of his second marriage, he kept the secret of his first marriage from his second wife. All those years he allowed his second wife to believe that she was his first, his one and only, the only woman he ever could love. Why? His last will and testament explained that while it did not matter to him, he knew that it would matter to his second wife. He knew that for her to know that he once loved another, would devastate her. He respected his second wife to such a degree that he did not want her to hear the inevitable “she’s a second wife” comments. And so entire chapters of his life, painful yet meaningful chapters were erased from his mental file. Why? So that another person could feel good. A great person is the city dweller who allows the villager to feel like the city dweller. A great person is the rich man who allows the pauper to taste nobility, even if only for one day a year.