Out of the closet: Rabbis offer new approach to keep gays in Orthodox fold

A 'hate the sin, love the sinner'-style code of conduct to guide the frum community's treatment of homosexuality has been authored by several dozen Modern Orthodox rabbis and professionals and released online. It attempts to strike a balance between a strict halachic reality that utterly forbids homosexual acts, and compassion for Jewish gays living otherwise halachic lives.

Written mainly by Rabbi Nathaniel Helfgot of Yeshivat Chovevei Torah, the guide was revised over a period of months with the "help of dozens of talmidei chachamim, educators, communal rabbis, mental health professionals and a number of individuals in our community who are homosexual in orientation," it says. Rabbi Haskel Lookstein of Manhattan's Congregation Kehilath Jeshurun and Rabbi Shlomo Riskin, chief rabbi of Efrat and founder of Lincoln Square Synagogue, are the most prominent signatories. The majority of the signers appear to be from the center and left-of-center segments of Orthodoxy.

"Halakha sees heterosexual marriage as the ideal model and sole legitimate outlet for human sexual expression," the 12-part document states. "The sensitivity and understanding we properly express for human beings with other sexual orientations does not diminish our commitment to that principle."

Arguably the guide's most striking feature is encouragement to homosexuals to continue performing mitzvot.

"Jews with a homosexual orientation or same sex attraction, even if they engage in same sex interactions, should be encouraged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability," the document asserts. "All Jews are challenged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability, and the attitude of 'all or nothing' was not the traditional approach adopted by the majority of halakhic thinkers and poskim throughout the ages."

Other points include:

— "It is critical to emphasize that halakha only prohibits homosexual acts; it does not prohibit orientation or feelings of same-sex attraction, and nothing in the Torah devalues the human beings who struggle with them"

— Parents and family of homosexually partnered Jews [are encouraged] to make every effort to maintain harmonious family relations and connections

— "Jews who have an exclusively homosexual orientation should, under most circumstances, not be encouraged to marry someone of the other gender."

— "The decision as to whether to be open about one's sexual orientation should be left to such individuals... We are opposed on ethical and moral grounds to both the 'outing' of individuals who want to remain private and to coercing those who desire to be open about their orientation to keep it hidden."

— [Encouraging] shuls "to include individuals who don't act on their homosexual desires"

— "Sensitivity, acceptance and full embrace of the adopted or biological children of homosexually active Jews in the synagogue and school setting"

A series of short and long-term catalysts compelled Rabbi Helfgot to write the document, he said.

"In the last 10-15 years a number of people involved in chinuch discussed the reality of having students and congregants who came out and told their family they were gay and the tremendous struggle of finding some place to live within the Orthodox community," Rabbi Helfgot explained. "Are these kids and adults simply people who we should say, 'We don't have a place for you?'"

He also cited the exceptionally controversial panel discussion, "Being Gay in the Orthodox World," held at Yeshiva University last year, and a discussion of the issue held  at a rabbinical conference at a Yeshivat Chovevei Torah alumni reunion.

"It strengthened our resolve to sit down and ... iron out a statement and have it revised hundreds of time," Rabbi Helfgot said. "Maybe we could create some sort of consensus even if it wasn't perfect."

One point is specifically a response to the panels.

"A strong vocal minority after the YU Panel said that whatever people are doing they shouldn't talk about it publicly and nothing about it should be done publicly," Rabbi Helfgot said.

Rabbi Avi Shafran, director of public policy for Agudath Israel of America, said he had not read the document but offered responses to descriptions provided by The Jewish Star. He agreed with some points.

"A mitzvah is a mitzvah, and refraining from an aveira is refraining from an aveira, even when the proper choice is made by someone who may sin in another area," he said.

He disagreed that under most circumstances Jews of an "exclusively homosexual orientation" should not be encouraged to marry people of the opposite sex.

"I would not choose to make any broad statement about how people facing great challenges in this realm should approach marriage," Rabbi Shafran said. "I would sooner counsel that each case be discussed by the person facing the challenge and a sensitive, knowledgeable and wise rabbinic mentor."

And he took issue with another point.

"If the writers mean to say that it is categorically wrong to counsel someone to not publicly announce what he considers to be his confirmed homosexuality, I would strongly disagree," Rabbi Shafran said. "Not only is it common for young people to be confused at times about their sexualities, there are many cases of even 'confirmed' homosexuals who came to discover that they are not what they thought they were. It can be perfectly proper to counsel someone to not publicly declare something he might well come to later regret having declared."

Mordechai Levovitz, the founder of a group called Jewish Queer Youth, called the statement "groundbreaking."

"It's a consensus of rabbis saying there's no place for homophobia in the Orthodox world," he told The Jewish Star. "For the first time they say that someone should not be pressured to stay in the closet. These are unprecedented moves and this is done in a way - they talked to gay people and gay people's parents, this was a discussion among the rabbeim - this is really done in a very respectful way. "

The statement also affirmed a religious right to reject so-called change therapies or reparative therapies for homosexuals.

"Most of the mental health community, many rabbis, and most people with a homosexual orientation feel that some of these therapies are either ineffective or potentially damaging psychologically for many patients," it said.

That public rebuttal coincides with allegations of misconduct by JONAH, Jews Offering a New Alternative to Homosexuality, the most prominent organization offering reparative therapy in the Jewish community.

Truth Wins Out, a group that combats what its founders consider to be false information about homosexuality, produced a video about Jonah, of two Jewish teenagers describing the therapy they underwent with life coach Alan Downing, who considers himself a former homosexual.

In the video, that has been widely viewed on YouTube, Ben Unger speaks about how during a one-on-one therapy session with Downing, he was asked to undress while repeating the statement, "'I feel less masculine,' and every message was a layer of clothing," Unger said. "Till I was standing there without clothes." Afterwards, Downing asked Unger to touch himself.

Downing called that account of the therapy, "false."

"I deny the allegations of malicious intent that are made in this video." Downing wrote in a letter to The Jewish Star. "I also emphatically deny the falsehoods being promulgated by activists and commentators. I am deeply concerned about the use of these young men to advance a political agenda, and the impact this publicity will have on them."

The value of reparative therapy itself is in doubt.

"To date, there has been no scientifically adequate research to show that therapy aimed at changing sexual orientation (sometimes called reparative or conversion therapy) is safe or effective," said a statement from the American Psychologist Association, the world's largest organization of psychologists. The American Psychologist Association also cautioned against promoting reparative therapy since it may increase negative stereotypes associated with homosexuality, especially in the religious communities.

"There's no single definition and it leaves it open for people to put their spin on it," said Erez Harari. He is a fifth year doctoral student at Fordham University whose dissertation is on the mental health of gay individuals in the Orthodox Jewish community. He is also a co-founder of Jewish Queer Youth.

“the therapy also puts a lot of psychological pressure on the

individual,” Harari said. “It says if a person is motivated enough,

anyone can change. Motivation is only determined in retrospect based

on whether people say that they feel they changed. You have people who

try their hardest – I know people who have been in the program for 15

years and have not changed and they’re told they’re not motivated

enough. It can lead to negative self-perceptions.”

Harari was scheduled to appear at a convention of the Association of Orthodox Jewish Scientists with Arthur Goldberg, co-director of JONAH. But after the YouTube video appeared online the lecture was called off. Goldberg appealed to Rabbi Moshe Tendler, the rabbinical authority of the Association of Orthodox Jewish Scientists, then showed up anyway.

"It was a relatively mild presentation without any statistics and seemed to be a without any political significance, yes or no," Rabbi Tendler said. "He claims it can be helped. It's a claim."

"I heard that some organization called in to protest," Rabbi Tendler continued. "An organization composed of academics would be sensitive to issues of freedom of speech and boycotting someone on a topic of great interest would most likely not be received well."

Goldberg stressed that JONAH is a referral agency that provides education about homosexuality and called reparative therapy a "conventional" therapy aimed at homosexuality. Asked if it works, he said, "absolutely."

"I can't tell you how many weddings and brissim (circumcisions) there have been from men and women who came to JONAH for help or referrals," he asserted.

"Homosexuality is a byproduct of other issues," Goldberg said. "It's an emotional adaptation typically for childhood pain. We offer people a choice, if someone is unhappy being gay, if they have a value conflict, we're here to advise them. What's wrong with that?

"We're offering them an option," Goldberg said. "That's the essence of democracy and why would they want us to stop me from speaking unless they're afraid of the message that people can change.

Levovitz faults the rabbinical establishment for promoting reparative therapy.

"It's not about Goldberg," Levovitz said. "He runs this sham organization. My issue is with the Orthodox rabbis who are defending this practice of non-licensed people who have 19-year-olds touch themselves."

Rabbi Shafran said  reparative therapy that uses "mainstream methods utilizing mainstream therapy," he felt that "anyone who faces challenges in the realm of sexuality would be foolish to not at least explore such therapies."

As for the statement itself, Rabbi Helfgot said that he has received mostly positive feedback, including from a number of prominent rabbis who did not sign it but expressed support.

"It affirms a commitment to the halacha that explicitly and unequivocally forbids homosexual encounters, while at the same time affirms sensitivity to the individual that is struggling, and reaches out to them to be a part of our community," Rabbi Helfgot said. "We affirm the dignity and tzelem elokim, that man is created in G-d's image."