Letters: What it feels like to survive abuse

Issue of July 17, 2009 / 25 Tammuz 5769

What it feels like to survive abuse

To the Editor:

I sat next to you in class, I live on your block. I went to your camp, I studied with you for tests. I am a regular girl.

A regular girl with a huge secret.

When I was six years old, my father’s friend took me down to my basement to play. He used the privacy of the basement to do inappropriate and untzniusdik (immodest) things to me. It took me years of suffering in shameful silence to come out and admit the horrific truth: I had been abused. The full extent of the evil deeds this man had committed didn’t hit me until years and years later. Now, as a young adult, standing on the threshold of my adulthood, I am forced to deal with the daily reality of what this means to me, so many years later.

As I sit and think about what this man has caused, about the ramifications this has had, and will have, on my life, I am engulfed by masses of feelings.

I feel...

Ashamed. Ashamed? Ashamed of how my body was used, how my body was abused. Ashamed of how I am different. Ashamed of the things that I’ve gone through.

Lonely. Lonely? Can you imagine the feeling of being surrounded by friends, yet unable to get help from any of them? Can you imagine the feeling of being the post popular girl in the class, yet staring at all of the admiring girls from behind a huge glass partition? Can you imagine the feeling of being surrounded by masses of girls, dancing in a happy circle around the radiant Kallah, yet feeling like I am the only one who isn’t part of the joy?

Angry. Angry? Sure I am angry with my abuser, but it’s more than that. I feel angry at the world. Angry with the people who have created a society where I have to be ashamed, to keep HIS secret.

Hurt. Hurt? Yes, physically hurt. This man hurt me, but it was more than that. I am also hurt at those few people who know my secret, who are privy to my pain. Hurt at their lack of support. Hurt at their lack of understanding.

Shocked. Shocked? Shocked that this could happen to a “regular” girl like me. Shocked at the way one man can change the entire course of my life. Shocked that people aren’t doing more to stop it.

Frustrated. Frustrated? Frustrated that people think I did something wrong. I was six years old at the time. Frustrated that people pity me. I am still a regular girl. Frustrated that people think it doesn’t happen in “our” world. Frustrated that we can’t talk about such things. Frustrated that people are sweeping a problem that is such a big part of my life under the rug.

Hopeful. Hopeful? Hopeful that some day in the near future I won’t be forced under a blanket of shame. Hopeful that Hashem will continue to give me the strength to grow from my challenges and use my experiences to help others in similar situations. Hopeful that frum publications will continue to help raise awareness by printing my letter.

Happygirl

Editor’s note: Name withheld by request due to the sensitive, highly personal nature of the letter.