In My View

Shabbos meals- no children allowed...?

By Rabbi Avi Billet

The best thing about Shabbos, a friend of mine says, is that it guarantees him two or three meals a week with his family. He can sit down and enjoy with his children and grandchildren, without the phone interrupting and without business calling him away.

This approach makes sense. With the rest of the week devoted to other pursuits, Shabbos is the only time families can bank on spending time together.

This is the source of my confusion.

It is safe to say our community is family-focused. The schools are booming, young families move here so children can live near their grandparents, family restaurants are supported, youth programs are well-attended and some shuls have multiple Little League teams for the same age group.

Everyone knows children are our future, and we want to do what is best for our kids. So why, when a family hosts a meal on Shabbos for a large number of guests, are their guests' children not invited?

This question is not considering the hosts' financial status, their ability to host kids or how the numerous younger guests might impact the ambiance of their party. To be sure, I am drawing a line between these meals and the weeknight bar/bat mitzvah and wedding parties to which children should not be invited.

This is about Shabbos meals, which are the two or three meals a week that a family is all but guaranteed to share together.

Perhaps it is presumed that everyone has help in the home, which includes someone to watch and feed the guests' children. What kind of Shabbos meal this would be without the parents present is not considered.

Perhaps it is assumed that children can be farmed off to friends for the meal. But what if the children are younger and such an arrangement will not work for them?

Maybe an invited meal is a great opportunity for parents to leave their children with Grandma and Grandpa, so Mommy and Daddy can enjoy some time alone for a change. Not everyone has Grandma and Grandpa living in the neighborhood.

The bottom line: there is something amiss about an attitude that says, "I am going to separate a family on Shabbos for a meal."

Please do not misunderstand. The invitee is under no obligation to accept such an invitation. And perhaps the invitee should decline the invitation if the setup does not work for one's family.

But maybe, assuming the numbers of guests are not being restricted for financial reasons, we can reconsider our priorities and considerations when issuing such invitations. Do we need to invite our 200 nearest and dearest friends? Maybe we can manage with just close friends and family? Maybe we won't need to remind our friends that their children are not invited, because of course their children are invited.

If we need to host so many people, that is what a kiddush after davening is perfect for. Since children are "allowed" at a kiddush, this writer would have no question about such an arrangement (as in "why are you only hosting a kiddush and not lunch?").

But the restrictive lunch which breaks up a family for their unique bonding meal of the week? Come on.

That's not what Shabbos is about.