Happily ever after? Not quite

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OU finishes survey of Jewish marriage

By Michael Orbach

Issue of January 15, 2009/ 29 Tevet 5770
So what are the secrets of a happy marriage? In no particular order, they apparently are: don't be too rich, be religiously observant, expect that the 20th anniversary may not be great but the 30th will be better, and before you get married, know what you’re getting into.

Those are some of the key findings of the Aleinu Marriage Satisfaction Survey, conducted online by the Orthodox Union from January to March of 2009. There were 3,671 responses, making it the largest marriage survey of its kind among Orthodox couples. The findings announced at a news conference Jan. 6, were largely positive.

Respondents showed higher rates of satisfaction than the general population, with 72 percent of men and 74 percent of women rating their marriage as excellent or very good, compared with 63 percent of men and 60 percent of women in a similar study of the general public. These findings correspond with research that indicates that couples that participate in religious activity tend to report higher marriage satisfaction and less likelihood of divorce.

The survey also revealed a U-shaped dip in marriage satisfaction, with a drop in satisfaction in a couple's 20th year, but picking up after the 30th year of marriage. But there is a silver lining to that finding, according to Dr. David Pelcovitz, Straus professor of psychology and education at the Azrieli Graduate School of Yeshiva University, and one of four people who interpreted the data.

"A very hopeful finding in light of the drop during the middle years of marriage was the finding that more than seven out of 10 respondents said that if they had to choose again, they would marry the same person," Dr. Pelcovitz explained.

The survey also seemed to confirm something that is taken as fact among secular marriage researchers.

"Conflict is inevitable," the study found, be it from financial problems, communication difficulties, not enough time, problems with intimacy, or in-laws.

Intimacy issues ranked high among the causes of conflict. Dr. Pelcovitz blamed sex education.

"We see over and over again in the communities, there's something missing in the job we're doing in conveying values about sexuality to our children, and somehow there isn't necessarily a language on sexuality we're teaching to couples," he explained. "Compared to other groups, Jewish adolescents say their teachers do the worst job of teaching them the sexual values that are embedded in our religion, and it shows in our marriages."

Marriage satisfaction was rated higher before the births of children and after children had left the home. According to Dr. Eliezer Schnall, a professor of Psychology at Yeshiva University who worked on the study, children cause "a long-lasting dip in marital satisfaction."

Baalei Teshuva, those who become religious later in life, face challenges in their marriages ranging from at-risk children to a lack of social networks. While the absolute differences between baalei teshuva marriages and typical marriages were found to not be too different, "in large samples, even small differences can be statistically significant," said Dr. Pelcovitz.

Regarding wealth, Dr. Pelcovitz cited the work of Dr. Suniya Luthar of Columbia University, and what she has labeled "affluenza." In Luthar's studies, wealthier families were found to have three times the rate of alcoholism, depression, and other illnesses. Data from wealthier families in the OU survey, as compared to less affluent families, seemed to bear out Luthar's finding.

The study concluded with some basic truisms. Spend more time with your family, don't base your marriage on Hollywood stereotypes, and be very wary of internet pornography, which Dr. Pelcovitz called an "incredibly powerful force."

The data will be used to guide future OU programming.

"Most people are saying, 'If I had to do it again, I'd marry the same person,'" Dr. Pelcovitz asserted, "In a world of so many failed marriages, this is what we're seeing, but we can make it a lot better."