David’s Harp: Ten modern commandments

The holiday of Shavuoth is coming and the teacher Rabbi Gevaltsky stands before his class and asks the bochurim, “can someone tell me about any of the Ten Commandments?”

The class is silent. The students cautiously glance at one another. A hand from the back of the room is raised. Rabbi Gevaltsky is pleased. “Yes Yankel, can you tell us something about any of The Commandments?”

Yankel says, “Arnold Schwarzenegger committed adultery with his maid.” Rabbi Gevaltsky is a bit taken aback, but appreciates the child’s understanding of the sacred Decalogue and its relation to modernity and contemporary events. “Thank you Yankel. Is there anyone else who can tell me about the laws which Moshe Rabeinu delivered from Hashem at Mt. Sinai?”

A young man, Shmueli, yells out. “Dominique Strauss-Kahn committed adultery with his maid.” Before Rabbi Gevaltsky could even comment, Baruch from the front row says, “John Edwards committed adultery.” Reuben sitting next to Baruch answers, “Governor Spitzer committed adultery.” Yoni yells out, “Governor McGreevey committed adultery.” Joshie chimes in. “Governor Sanford committed adultery.” Mendel jumps to his feet. “Governor Patterson committed adultery.”

Rabbi Gevaltsky interrupts, “Now students…” Akiva blasts out, “Senator Kennedy!” The room begins to echo from wall to wall. “Senator Ensign!” “President Clinton!” “Tennessee’s Jeff Miller!” “Congressman Chris Lee!” “Florida Congressman Mahoney!” “Tom Delay!” “Representative Charlie Rose!” “Congressman Bob Barr!” “Indiana’s Congressman Souder!” “Gary Condit!” “Al Gore!” “Newt Gingrich!”

Rabbi Gevaltsky yells over the tumult, “Quiet! Stop! Please! Stop!” The room is again silent. Everyone has calmed down. “Okay children. Let’s just get back to Shavuos. Aside from the commandment prohibiting adultery can someone tell me about any of the other Ten Commandments?” The room remains quiet. Rabbi Gevaltsky pleads. “There are nine other commandments. Anyone? Anything? How about honoring your father and mother?” Shmueli gets up from his chair and stands next to his desk and answers, “I’m sure Arnold Schwarzenegger’s illegitimate son honors him.” Yoni perks up. “Yes, and John Edwards love child probably honors him as well.” The rabbi is at his wit’s end. “Children, I beg of you, let’s talk about the two sacred tablets of Shavuos. Please stop discussing these politicians and their transgressions and personal lives. What about focusing on another serious commandment like “thou shalt not murder?”

The class thinks. Shimmy stands up from his seat and politely says, “I think Michael Jackson’s doctor murdered him.”

“Okay, forget about murder and adultery, what about Shabbos; can anyone say something about Shabbos?” Rabbi Geveltsky waits for an answer. Mendel raises his hand. Rabbi Gevaltsky is a little nervous. “You have something to tell us about Shabbos, Mendel?” Mendel says, “yes.” Rabbi Gevaltsky asks, “And it has nothing to do with Schwarzenegger, John Edwards or Michael Jackson?” Mendel replies, “No, not at all.” Rabbi Gevaltsky motions for Mendel to proceed with his answer.

Mendel says, “Shabbos is the day that Hashem rested from his creation of the world. And we are told to remember and guard the Shabbos by ceasing to do melachos and by celebrating with tefilos and seudahs and zmiros for all time. And in June 1994, it was on erev Shabbos that O.J. Simpson was chased down the California highway by police after killing his ex-wife who, incidentally, he didn’t commit adultery against and had two children that probably still honor him.