Ask Aviva: With a side-order of harassment

Posted

Ask Aviva

Issue of June 25, 2010/ 13 Tammuz, 5770
Dear Aviva,

I frequent a local eatery where a male worker makes me feel very uncomfortable. He often looks me up and down, calls me “gorgeous” or “beautiful” and purposely touches my hand when taking my money.

I am clearly married, with a wig, engagement ring and wedding band. He wears a yarmulke and should know better. I try to put the money on the counter instead of handing it to him. But if there is change, he doesn’t put it on the counter, he puts it in my hand.

One time I said, “Please put the money on the counter.” He obliged, but I felt so uncomfortable. The next time I came in, he touched my hand again.

I talked to some of my friends about this and they told me that he does the same thing with them. It’s really not cool. I want to report this to the mashgiach. Kosher food served with come-ons to married women is not so kosher, in my opinion. But I really don’t want to stop going there. I know, I’m nuts, but they have very good food.

-Just Here for the Food

Dear Just Here for the Food,

Hey, you’re talking to a proud pizza addict. This Don Juan shouldn’t inhibit your love for good food. So the question begs, “How do I inhibit this Don Juan?”

You can go about this in a number of ways, but I would like to see you kill two birds with this stone. Work on yourself while dealing with this issue. Here’s what I’m getting from your letter: you are low on the assertive meter. Your invalidation of yourself is on overdrive.

You wrote in about a valid problem. You are most definitely not nuts to be uncomfortable with a food-serviceman breaching your boundaries.

I’m not going to ask you to do a complete 180. A 45-degree angle might suffice. Start by talking to yourself. Go get some food, expect that he will say something inappropriate and simply tell yourself, “That was wrong of him.” Acknowledge that you are an innocent bystander. “I did not show any interest in him. He is doing something very wrong with this blatant habit of hitting on married women. I have every right to stop him in his tracks.”

Don’t worry about being not nice. He is the one who is not being nice. You must not let it go past your comfort zone.

Make sure that you are not smiling unless you feel like smiling. Smiling tells yourself and the other person that you are ok with what is going on. Instead of the smile, show disapproval. Any negative countenance should show him that you are not comfortable with his come-ons. A few looks to show your status are puzzlement, discomfort, irritation or anger. Practice your best “you’re-a-huge-loser” face in the mirror. Then try it out on this violating villain. If he continues his behavior, we’ve got to up the ante.

Find someone to rehearse with. Script your lines. “Please don’t call me that.” “I am uncomfortable when you call me that.” “Please don’t touch me when you give me my change.” “I am a married woman, and you are acting inappropriately.” Or find your own words. Just make sure that you make it perfectly clear that he is being, in your words, “not cool.”

Make sure that the person role-playing the server retorts some lines back to you. You need to be prepared with a strong comeback. Also, understand that it will be very uncomfortable to actually go through with this.

Ok, it’s D-Day and it’s time to go order your food. Pump yourself up. Harness your anger. Hold onto it. Now go get him!

Put on a strong façade, no matter how squirmy you feel inside. Do not throw in anything like, “I’m flattered, but...” That will open the door for him. Be focused on the signals you are sending out: strong words, strong face, strong tone and strong body language. Slam that door shut for him. You don’t have to be outraged and furious, just unbending. And you may have to do this a few times until he gets the idea.

What happens if he disregards your wishes? Then it’s time to speak to the manager about these less-than-decorous displays. Here is where numbers count. Try to rally your friends together to make a stink. You will be taken more seriously. If it is still a problem, then finding another place to eat may be in order.

I wish that I could tell you if the proper thing would be to report this to the mashgiach or the Vaad, but I am not knowledgeable enough in the halachic realm.

If you tell me which restaurant it is, perhaps I can personally hand this article over to the perp. That should scare him. And if it turns out that it’s my favorite pizza place, maybe our voices can lead to proper behavior and free pizza for us.

Mmmmm...free pizza...

-Aviva

Aviva Rizel has received her Master’s in marriage and family therapy from Hofstra University and sees couples, families and individuals. She can be reached at avivarizel.mft@gmail.com.