Ask Aviva: Teaching good girls to be even better

Dear Aviva,

I teach in a seminary in Israel that caters to young modern Orthodox women. I see that these girls are struggling with making the jump from learning halacha to incorporating it into their lives. For the most part, these girls were well raised and come from good, moral backgrounds. They don’t necessarily feel like there is anything missing from their lives and they in no way consider themselves baalei teshuva.

How can we empower the good modern Orthodox girl who never felt she was lacking to want to grow and connect to HaShem? Specifically in the areas of tzniut and shomer negia. They understand the importance of tzniyut but don’t really see the merit in being careful that shirts aren’t too tight or that their knees are completely covered. What’s missing?

— Hoping to help

Dear Hoping to help,

I think that if you took a huge step back, you would achieve what you set out for. If you have an agenda (albeit a noble one), the girls will pick up on it. Agendas tend to repel those that you are trying to attract. When you take a step back, you will stop focusing on one or two points to push. Instead, you can instill a more global love for G-d and love for Am Yisrael. If a young woman lacks this, but takes on strict adherence to halacha, she will be very wobbly once she is back home and questioned. There are many individuals whose growth is slow and steady and long-lasting. So don’t try to fight the fashion. Just love and support your students.

But be on alert. If a student asks you questions about tzniyus, then be ready to address it. I remember a teacher of mine tried to encourage my modern class to dress more modestly and be more prudish with boys. She gave a horrible analogy—she said “Imagine you are in the grocery store and you are buying tomatoes. Would you pick the ones that have bruises on them? Or would you buy the ones that look like nobody touched them?” She was basically making us all feel like damaged goods, and she also stressed the point that the goal is to be untouched for our future husband. Wrong and wrong. Firstly, a positive slant would have been more effective. Secondly, that’s a really bad goal — change our behaviors just to snag a good hubby. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Instead, talk about a wealthy woman. This woman has millions in the bank and owns some very rare gems. Does she give out her PIN and her ATM card? No. Does she wear her jewelry when she is out and about? No. This analogy actually brings to mind a time when I was enlightened by something. I was at a wedding. The guests that attended ranged across the socio-economic spectrum. Everybody had their glitz blinging and looked beautiful. Some stones were real, and some were costume. Then, I spotted a woman whose wealth far out-wealths any other guests. I’m not one to check someone out, but I could not help but notice the stark simplicity of her attire. A single solitaire diamond centered in her collarbone was the only sparkly bit on her. What is the message here? This is someone who is capable of putting Tiffany’s to shame. I guess she didn’t want to shame her Jewish sisters who could not keep up with her. Instead, she chose to downplay and to undertone. She knows what beauty she has at home in her vault. She just doesn’t want to be defined by it.

And I don’t mean that a girl should save her beauty till she feels ready to share it with the right person. I mean she should save her beauty for herself. I’m involved in a longitudinal study, and my poor kids are the subjects of it. I always tell them how beautiful their bodies are (particularly their most private areas. And yes, it is a little hard to say that to my son without a smirk). If they decide to start streaking in the middle of our Shabbos meal with guests, I do not shriek or yell at them to cover up. Instead, I smile and say, “Wow! Hashem gave you such a beautiful body! But it’s really just for you to have. It’s your special present just for you.”  I’ll let you know in a decade or two if my method has a leg to stand on…

— Aviva

 Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice who can be reached at AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com.