Ask Aviva: Smother mother (and father)

Ask Aviva

We are very fortunate to have all of our kids married off. We’re not ungrateful for what we have, but we’ve noticed a problem going on with our only son.

His wife’s parents live about four hours away from us. Our son was in school somewhere that is about an hour and a half from his in-laws and three hours away from us. His wife started to work at a job that she was pretty satisfied with

Now our son has finished school and would like to move closer to us and our married daughters. He was telling us that it would be fair if they moved somewhere that is about halfway in between his in-laws and us. We were very excited to hear this because we have seen him only twice in three years.   So we called up a broker that we know in the neighborhood he was thinking about. We set up some appointments for the kids to check out properties and we were very surprised to hear that our daughter-in-law is not keen on the idea. She would rather stay where she is, even though it is not close to her parents and she is not in love with her job.

Why doesn’t she care about her husband’s emotional needs? He is clearly getting the blues living there. We were thinking of giving them some money for a down payment to help motivate them to move closer. Do you think we should do that, or should one of us have a frank discussion with out daughter-in-law about what she is doing to our son?

Missing our son

Dear Missing our son,

It’s so nice that the two of you could work together and write in. I’m happy that you share life’s burdens.

I think you two will need to continue carrying this burden together. And I will go a step further and give each of you a task: Help your spouse stop intervening with this son and daughter-in-law!

I don’t know what your daughter-in-law’s motives are. What I do know is that you two are the last people who will be able to change her mind. In fact, paradoxically, the more you try to bring them closer to you, the more likely it is that you will be pushing them away.

It is very considerate that you two are so eager to help your kids—calling a broker, offering financial help. These are things that can be very helpful to a young couple. The distinction that you must keep in mind is, “Are they asking for my help here, or am I imposing my help onto them?”

I would like to utilize some extreme imagery here. Picture yourselves standing across from your son and daughter-in-law in an open field. The two of you begin to dangle a large pouch of money in front of them. Your kids look intrigued, but a little cautious. They do not yet make a move. You suddenly slam a bazooka over your shoulders, load it up with the cold hard cash, and BAM! That gift blows them clear off their feet. When they finally come to and realize what hit them, outright terror can be detected in their eyes as they go scrambling over the hills until their specs of silhouettes shrink into the horizon.

Quite the picture, eh? I know it's pretty grim—it was hyperbolic, after all. But the point is that for many daughters-in-law, reality shifts its weight until nuance saturates into gravity.

Your job is to dilute the severity. How? By making it very clear that they are their own people. That they are entitled to make their own choices based on their own thoughts. That there are no consequences or I-told-you-so’s for their misjudgments. You are done raising your son. It is not now, nor was it ever your job to raise your daughter-in-law.

I like to give most letter-writers a game plan. I have to be honest, I am a little nervous to give you one. I am scared that you will use it until it works, and then revert to your old ways. You are very fortunate though that I still have 189 words to fill. So here it goes (but keep in mind one of my husband’s favorite Spiderman quotes: “With great power comes great responsibility.”).

Step one: Apologize outright. Call up your son and have both him and his wife on the phone while you two are also on it. Own up to your manipulation. Say something like, “We love you both and would love to have you closer to us. When we heard that you were thinking of moving closer, we were very excited and wanted to help that happen. We went about it the wrong way by calling the broker and setting up appointments for you. We were meddling and that’s unfair to you.  We’re sorry.”

Step two: Take a big step back. Show them that you are serious about change. Give them space and independence. Give them the freedom to make mistakes and feel safe to err. Be approachable and helpful when they seek it out, but don’t overextend yourselves. If you master this art, you may even invite them for regular Shabboses.

Now sit back and wait. It may even be a few years…

-Aviva