Ask Aviva: One child isn’t the problem

Posted

Ask Aviva

Issue of October 8, 2010/ 30 Tishrei 5771

Dear Aviva,

Why is it so hard to get people to mind their own business in our community these days? My husband and I have been married for six years and have been blessed with only one healthy child until now. I constantly have friends and relatives asking me why I only have one. I am constantly reminded by these “well meaning “ people of the size of my family and usually the next comment sounds something like this: “Have you and your husband been to the doctor lately? Is there something wrong with you?”

In today’s society, with so many unfortunate childless couples struggling for years with infertility, my husband and I feel truly blessed with the beautiful child that we have.

Why can’t people mind their own business instead of talking about mine? Is there a proper response to such people? Although I know these people do care, they are beginning to get on my nerves.

- Blessed with One

Dear Blessed with One,

You do sound very blessed. You also sound very rich, since you are happy with what you have. Keep focusing on your child and on your marriage and stop focusing on me for a few paragraphs because I would like to take the opportunity to address those muses of yours who have motivated you to complain to me.

Shame on you! Shame, shame, shame! How can I make it clear to you that this is none of your business? Even if you yourself have conquered infertility, it is still not your place to educate others unless you have been clearly sought out to.

“Why not? I can help,” you say.

Yes, you can help the couple if they have the same exact issues that you had. Perhaps the issue is not related to what you had. Perhaps the husband has fertility issues or perhaps the wife does. Perhaps the couple has a rocky marriage and is trying to work things out before they bring a new baby into the picture. Perhaps the wife is on medication to regulate her mental state which is contraindicated in pregnancy. Perhaps the husband isn’t so sure that he’s into females. Perhaps this, perhaps that. The point is that you don’t really know what is going on, so you have a very slim chance of actually helping.

What are you doing? You are marginalizing. You are invalidating. You are embarrassing and you are inflicting.

Now, back to you, Blessed with One.

You didn’t write if you are intentionally not having more kids, or if there is some sort of impediment keeping you from having more. If it is the latter, I hope you have a proper support system in place to turn to. You can let your guard down and face whatever you are feeling. There are many organizations that deal with all of the issues that I have listed above. If you feel lost, there are organizations that function as a hub to refer you to what you need (Achiezer, ECHO, RELIEF and Shalom Task Force). It is possible that your issue was not even mentioned here, and I want to acknowledge that. I don’t know what is going on in your life, nor do I have any business assuming that I do.

I hope that you use other people upsetting you as an opportunity to get closer to your spouse. When someone offends you, don’t brush it off, hold it in or forget it ever happened. Feel the pain and share it with your husband. Be vulnerable together and you will have a tougher skin towards those that offend.

The proper response depends on you. Do you want to share information? Do you want to let the person know that you appreciate his or her concern? Or do you just want to shut the person up?

You probably have a different goal depending on who is asking and how they are asking. Find your own words (before anyone makes their comments) and rehearse it like lines from a script. Now you are armed and ready for any type of comment.

Just be careful not to come off sounding too snide, otherwise you will end up offending them almost as much as they have offended you. Remember, the goal is not to lose friends here.

Also, lavish the attention on your child (I said attention, not gifts). A single child raised right is a very fortunate one indeed.

On behalf of our community, I apologize that you’ve been the victim of people being too “helpful.” But it seems like we are the ones who are in need of your help. You really know the true value of each individual child and that is something that we seem to be sorely lacking.

-Aviva