Ask Aviva: New in the hood jitters

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Dear Aviva,

I just moved to a new community.  I know that all beginnings are difficult, but it’s taken more of a toll on me than I had expected.  I feel overwhelmed with all my responsibilities of setting up a new home, making new friends, and getting to know the neighborhood.  I feel that I have to live up to the expectations of the norm here, which include having a job, looking great, keeping a clean, modern home, and cooking superb Shabbat meals, all while maintaining a healthy relationship with my husband.  But I don’t feel like Superwoman!  How can I ease into my new community without feeling these pressures all at once?

-New Neighbor

Dear New Neighbor,
Moving is huge. People don’t realize until they actually make the move. Moving is so disorienting, unsettling, costly and disruptive. Even more difficult than the move, however, is adjusting to it.
The first rule of thumb is prioritizing. Settle in to your neighborhood from the inside out. I know you are itching to adapt, but you have to make sure your foundation is set. What’s your foundation? Yourself, your marriage, your home. That means push yourself and keep unpacking. And don’t stop when you get to the “Miscellaneous” box. If you leave even one box of odds and ends, you will walk around with this dull nagging feeling that you are still not unpacked. Well, maybe you wouldn’t, but I know that it’s been four and a half years and I still find myself glaring at the three boxes hiding in the basement closet. I wish I had my own Aviva to ask!
If you’ve read my column before, you know that “push yourself” includes taking breaks, listening to your body, and rewarding yourself after small intervals of success. It also includes asking for help. (That’s a biggie for any situation.)
So once you have settled your roots down, it’s time to branch out. I recommend taking walks, being friendly while waiting on the check-out line in the supermarket, and go to some of the local shiurim. You will have to be proactively friendly if you want to make any headway—don’t wait to be introduced. Instead, go out on the limb and introduce yourself.
The second rule of thumb is to save your judgments for later. Here’s how it works: You meet someone, they make an impression on you, and you tell yourself, “This doesn’t define the person. I will see how she is next time.” Most likely you are meeting the crowds on Shabbos. Remember that everybody is dressed well on Shabbos. Obviously, some dress better, and some dress worse, but when you are meeting them in shul, you are meeting the people within the context of something else. The woman in the knockout dress and glam wig may be a sneakers and tichel kinda gal on Sunday. And, as always, the moody one who didn’t even look in your direction could have just had the hardest week of her life. So that’s why it’s important to use a broader time sample before you draft your report on your demographical theories.  
I do not recommend pushing yourself to try to be different than who you are. If the women really do dress up every day and your wardrobe doesn’t quite jive, don’t fake it. Be yourself externally and internally and then you will find true friends instead of resenting having to adapt to their standards.
Involve your husband too. That may make things easier for you and it will likely bring you two closer. It also helps to have him know what you’re talking about when you’re whining to him about how hard it is.
And in the moments when you’re not whining I want you to seek out the good. Notice the positives. Tell your husband five nice things about your neighbors for every one complaint. (The 5:1 ratio keeps spouses healthy and appreciative, and I believe it can be applied here as well.) I’m sure there are redeeming qualities, but you will not find them unless you search.
So set up house, dress in your favorite clothes, keep an open mind and go socialize!

-Aviva

Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice that can be reached at 347-292-8482 or AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com.