Ask Aviva: My wife doesn’t understand — I need to study!

Ask Aviva

I am newly married, but I feel like I have a major marriage problem already. I work and go to school. My wife just graduated in the spring and is looking for work. Her day is not as full as mine and she has different ideas regarding how we should spend our evenings. I have to study as soon as I get home every night. She wants to go out at least once a week, whether I am on break from school or not. It doesn’t matter to her if I have a midterm that week, and she says she is very hurt if I tell her that we can’t go out. Sometimes I suggest that she go out with her friends so that she can have a good time and I can study. But then when she comes home, she seems angry.

The worst is that her parents are in on it too — if there is a family simcha, and I have a midterm, they don’t seem to care and tell the ba’al simcha that I am attending.

How can I get them to graciously accept the fact that I am working hard and need to focus on my studies?

— Studious Newlywed

Dear Studious Newlywed,

Hmmm… There are a lot of things here that don’t seem fair to me. Typically, when there are marital issues, we say that both sides are contributing to the problem. In this case, it sounds like you are just trying to do the right thing, and those around you don’t put as much value on the right thing as you do.

The only thing that I can imagine that might be your fault is your delivery. How do you tell your wife that you have to study? How do you tell your in-laws that you cannot attend their cousin’s son’s bar mitzvah?

First troubleshoot and see if you are, in fact, the one who needs to change things. Do you speak in a soft tone? Do you acknowledge the needs behind your wife’s requests? Do you try to compromise with your in-laws? What I mean is, that when you can’t go out with your wife, it should sound something like this “[Sweetly, and slowly, with a sympathetic face on] Honey, I know you want to go out on a date and spend time together, and I do too. [That shows that you know why she’s asking, and you are showing agreement with it] But I have a lot of studying to do and I have to wake up early tomorrow. [Don’t leave her empty-handed. Offer her an alternative while still meeting her needs.] Maybe instead of going out for dinner, I can take a break in an hour and we can go out for slurpies. Would you want to do that?” But I may be off the mark. It might be that she’s not trying to hang out with you, she just hates to cook (or doesn’t know how). To meet this need, you can offer to order-in or cook one night (but make sure not to make any commitments that you can’t keep).

Regarding your in-laws, it’s a little bit stickier. First, request that they do not RSVP for you. Second, try to see their need behind this behavior. You’re new to the family and they probably want you to get to know the extended family. You should really do your best to meet their need. If there is a simcha that is not during crunch time, do your best to put in extra study time before or after the event, and go and enjoy. If it is during a really hard time, you should try to at least make an appearance for half an hour (do this during the shmorg so that they don’t have to pay for your meal). This may mean having to go in separate cars, but it’s worth it for the sake of compromise.

Now, if you have been basically going with my recommendations and do not see any improvement, there is a significant problem here. Either your wife is being frivolous with her requests to go out, or she is not emotionally mature enough to see that you have very important needs that should be respected. But don’t fret just yet — this is so common in the beginning stages of marriage and often corrects itself over time. Problem is, I don’t think that you have the luxury of waiting for the system to slowly self-correct. It’s time to have a very candid and calm discussion.

Pick a good time and a good setting. Take her out to her favorite restaurant. In the middle of the main course, it’s time to drop the bomb. Tell her that you feel like you have a lot going on, between work, classes, studying and the commute. But here’s the tricky part — you have to somehow invite her into your world, rather than alienate her. Instead of asking for understanding, ask for actual assistance. Ask her to test you after each chapter, or to edit your paper. This will give her a hands-on idea of how hard things are, plus it will make her feel invested in the goal.

It might add another half hour to your study time, but it’s worth it. A high GPA in marriage will really get you places.

— Aviva

Aviva Rizel has received her Master’s in marriage and family therapy from Hofstra University and sees couples, families and individuals. She can be reached at avivarizel.mft@gmail.com.