Ask Aviva: Mom fears sleep-away camp

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Dear Aviva,

The summer will be here before we know it and I am starting to get more and more nervous about sending my 11 year-old son away to sleep-away camp. I’m sure he’ll be homesick and he only knows 3 other boys going. Also, I doubt he would remember to shower and brush his teeth. I am highly considering cancelling his registration and just sending him to day camp locally. What do you think I should tell him when I change his plans?

-Cautious Camp Mom

Dear Cautious Camp Mom,

Well, if you cancel sleep away camp and send him locally, you don’t really have to tell him anything because you are sending a message loud and clear. He will definitely get it: “When faced with uncomfortable situations, it is best to cower away and avoid it entirely. This way you don’t have to branch out and develop because you will never have to risk extending yourself.” Lady, whatever you do, do not change his plans.

You did not mention anything about your son expressing reservations over registration. I think you’re imposing your concerns onto him and that’s not the healthiest parenting method to say the least.

One healthy parenting method that you may want to adopt is letting your child experience real life consequences. “Oh, so if I sleep in my clothes I will actually smell B.O. wherever I go? I guess that means that is my B.O.! Yuck! I’m changing right now!” And then a week later he may learn another of life’s great lessons, “Hmm, I guess airing out the shirt that I wore for 48 hours straight last week doesn’t really get rid of body odor. Let me see if my counselor has cologne.” Little by little, if you allow your kid to make mistakes, he will troubleshoot until he discovers the wonders of detergent. While you may be horrified reading this, just magnify the 11 year-old errors to 23 year-old errors and imagine your horror then. Now is a safe time for your son to mess up to the point of developing a stench. Plus, he will be in a setting with his peers who can help teach him the ropes. And by the way, in terms of the social concern, 2 or 3 kids are all that he needs to start branching out and making more friends. Camp with new friends is an awesome place to shift your position on the social ladder. Sometimes a nerdy school kid morphs into a funny philosopher in the bunk. And sometimes the cool sarcastic student all of a sudden is friendless in the canteen. It’s good for kids to discover their various social muscles.

And regarding the rest of the year, try to distinguish your feelings from his. I’m concerned that you two may be what we call, “an undifferentiated ego mass”, or “enmeshed”. Not the best thing to be on a daily basis… So try not to hold him back from his friends. Let him progress as his peers do, and make sure not to plant seeds of over-concern.

Of course you should be involved in his life and guard him from actual danger. (Hope you had a few molestation talks before you send him on that bus.) It’s a real fine line and you don’t want him to miss opportunities because of discomfort. So change into a Courageous Camp Mom and get excited because courage is contagious. Let’s get your son revved up for an awesome summer. C’mon Mommy, you can do it, put a little power to it!

-Aviva