Ask Aviva: M&Ms may be the answer

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Dear Aviva,

I am a mother of two as well as a kindergarten teacher. I have come to realize that I use up all of my energy and patience throughout the day to deal properly with my 20 rambunctious students. However, that leaves my 2 little ones at home getting the short end of the stick. By the time I get them home and walk in the door, I have had it, and I have little to no patience to deal with my own kids.

I can't quit my job, as I do love it, and need it financially, but I don't like how I am able to keep it all together during the day, only to let it all out at my kids in the evening. What to do?

-Mean Mommy

Dear M.M.,

Sorry, but I really can’t bring myself to call you “Mean”, so I had to change your alias to “M.M.” You know, that actually may be one of the solutions here—M&Ms. Seriously, you pop them in your mouth on the way home from work so that you are not famished enough to take a chunk out of the granite with your teeth (or in my case, Formica) when you walk in the door. Here’s a little trick that I use, especially on Fridays. When I leave the office, and, to use my sister’s expression, can feel my stomach eating itself, I splurge on a quick slice of pizza to go, wolf it down on the way home and greet the little ones with cheese-induced tranquility.

My advice to moms who are having trouble holding it together for their kids is this: eat, sleep and use the bathroom. That’s right, the bathroom. Needing to use the bathroom can make a person more likely to lose their temper. So make sure that your basic needs are met before you attempt to meet the needs of others.

Most working moms give their all at work and have very little reserve left when they come home. Problem is, your students are likely pushing the same buttons as your kids, so your tolerance for whining is probably lower than a woman who’s working in a non-school setting.

Well, except for therapists, but a 38-year old whine is really on a different pitch than that of a 5-year old. But back to you. What can you change at work? I’m talking small changes. Like delegating more to your assistants. Or, dare I say, (and this is very hard for me to write, since I send my preschoolers off knowing that their amazing teachers beam at them the whole day), don’t be such a great teacher. Don’t be a bad teacher, but don’t try to put on your best face or your best “Five little monkeys” voice. Give a weaker smile, sprinkled with some pearly whites. Or, you can even look into an administrative position for next year—you’ll still be in the setting that you enjoy, but you won’t be in the trenches of it.

Now let’s explore the changes we can make at home. Try to get involved in their imaginary play. It will keep things lighter for you and not give them an opportunity to disobey you. It doesn’t take much. Your son is setting up stuffed animals, ask how much a ticket to his zoo costs. Your daughter is cradling her doll, give the doll a kiss and say, “How old is your baby?” And then go make yourself a cup of tea (or in my case, a milkshake). Research has proven (and I’m talking about the research that is reliable and valid), three important components to a good parent for young children are: love with limits, emotion coaching (as in stay away from, “Don’t cry”, and change that to, “Oy, you’re so upset.”) and getting involved in their imaginary play.

When we come home, and our focus is just to feed the kids and get them into bed, we are missing the moment. The moment of fostering a relationship with them. And now is when they are primed for it.

Two other pieces of advice: 1. If you are married, work on that relationship more than keeping your cool with your kids. To give an extreme example, research is only now discovering an effective way to mitigate child abuse. And that is when the mother and father are happy with each other. 2. If the tide is still against you, consider Zoloft along with those M&Ms…

-Aviva