Ask Aviva: Is superficiality causing the shidduch crisis?

I know there is a shidduch crisis going on, so I have done my best to help out the few singles that I know. One particular guy that I was helping couldn’t get past a first date because he would not show any interest in the other person. This developed into a pattern and I decided not to set him up anymore. I was open with him regarding why he wouldn’t be hearing from me further, but he seemed a little offended.

I also have noticed a pattern among the guys. It seems that they are so intent on marrying a drop-dead gorgeous girl. This notion is across the board, regardless of how good looking the guy is.

I beg these guys to give the girls a chance, and get to know their personalities, explaining that a lovely personality changes how one looks at the other.  Unfortunately, 9 times out of 10 they don’t buy this concept.

But I am focused on meeting their wants — even when a guy describes a particular physical attribute that he wants, I do my best to find a girl on par with his description.

One particular guy is so picky. When I do find him dates and he does go out, I find out that the girls are not interested in him as he speaks non-stop about himself and does not give them much time to talk about themselves. No wonder there’s a shidduch crisis!

— Trying to help

Dear Trying to help,

Your letter brings up two good points. One is that some guys are not allowing their dates to have the floor while talking. And the other is that the guys are obsessing over looks while looking for a mate.

Regarding the guys’ lack of social skills: I think that you have had enough experience to say that this is something that needs to be addressed. You don’t have to start a grassroots effort to help guys learn to listen (but nobody’s stopping you from starting one if you’re so inclined…). What might be a wise thing to do is give out a list of tips to each single that you’re trying to set up. Make it your policy to hand it to the daters before you even have a date for them. It should be a universal list that is given to everyone so that it can assist everyone without offending anyone.

What should be on this list? Well, for sure include all of the feedback that you’ve gotten from those whom you fix up. It’s important to include a lot of Do’s and not as many Do Not’s. You can even say the same thing in a Do Not as you do in a Do. Just take its positive opposite (ala Kazdin’s parenting technique). For example, let’s say you want to say, “Don’t talk about yourself the whole time.” You can phrase it “Do ask your date a question about himself or herself every few minutes.”

And you might even want to use the list to follow up with offenders. Then you could say to a self-centered person, “Try to focus more on item #7,” rather than “Why did you talk about yourself the whole time?”

Now for the bigger issue: The fact that many guys are asking for super models and not giving civilians a chance. Here’s my take on it: If there is a guy who is really superficial and isn’t open to your good suggestions, he gets what’s comin’ to him. Either he will be too picky to get married, or he will marry someone who is gorgeous on the outside, but not up to par on the inside. When he sees that he married a shrew, he will hearken back to the days of yore when you were trying to set him up with the cute tzaddekes down the block. Too little too late, though.

If the guy is not so rigid with his lofty standards on physicality, but he prefers a particular body type, or he wants a pretty face, he sounds like a run-of the mill, red-blooded male. Good for him! As long as his preferences have some give.

Listen, he has to be attracted to his wife. Very attracted. Do you ever come across a girl who says that she wants a guy who is no shorter than 6’? Even though she is barely 5’3? Or does she say that she can’t go out with someone who is bald? Or excessively hairy? Do you feel like she is being superficial? She has narrowed down what works for her. She must be attracted to her husband. Very attracted.

Don’t get me wrong. The excessive focus on girls’ looks and figures is ostensibly fueling eating disorders among our debutantes. (Pamela Moritz wrote an excellent piece on this topic several weeks ago in The Jewish Star.) I just don’t want every guy who is honest with himself to be looked at badly. But it must be hard for you to sit on the sidelines while guys pass up on mediocre-looking opportunities.

You know, you’re kind of like a therapist here, trying to help people, seeing clearly what they could change to improve their situation, only to be met with tenacious resistance. Welcome to the club. You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink…

— Aviva

Aviva Rizel has received her Master’s in marriage and family therapy from Hofstra University and sees couples, families and individuals. She can be reached at avivarizel.mft@gmail.com.