Ask Aviva: Hubby is lax on kids

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Dear Aviva,
I feel that my husband and I don’t always see eye to eye on our child rearing. My disciplining ways don’t mesh with his, one reason being that I am a former educator and he has no previous experience with children. I feel that I am constantly telling him how to parent. I get exasperated with his lackadaisical ways, and I feel that it is confusing to our children when I say one thing and he says another. How do we get on the same page?

-It Takes Two to Tango

Dear It Takes Two to Tango,
Darn right it takes two! It takes two to parent together, and it takes two to make mistakes. His mistake may be something that needs to be worked on, but don’t think that you’ve got all the right moves. As bad as his parenting is, it is way worse for you to discipline him on his disciplining, especially if it is done in front of the kids.
Why? Because then you’ve restructured the family to have you as the sole parental figure, and your husband as a child under you. Instructing and critiquing him may mold him into the father that you want him to be, but it will eat away at your marriage.
There are times when you will have to speak up, but just make sure that when you do it is not done in front of the kids, or in the middle of him trying to parent. And don’t pull the righteous indignation card on him either. Meaning, none of the, “How could you let him eat that for dinner? I would never give him that—I care about his health!”
So, after lecturing you on everything not to do, allow me to illustrate what should be done instead. First, go on parenting as you normally do. Along the way, ask for help from your hubby. Give specifics. Don’t say, “Can you watch him?” That is so open-ended. To some, “watch” means taking a nap alongside a kid who is playing quietly, regardless of the fact that it is dinner time with bath-time fast approaching. So, to ward-off any disappointment on your end, be specific. “Can you please bathe him after you give him the salmon dinner? Thanks!” If he agreed, but he somehow neglected to make it happen, then you can bring it up. But it should not be centered on how he messed up with the kid’s schedule. It should be that you were hurt that he didn’t follow through with something that you were counting on him to do.
It’s not wise to make your child the focus because then the poor kid will serve as the conduit to your marital strife (not to mention hubby’s resentment). Readers may recall the teen stuck in between her parents who wanted out. Even if you are not bringing your child into the argument, once a kid hears his/her name being mentioned in a shrill or contemptuous tone, the kid thinks that he/she caused the fight.
Another thing that you have to do is accept the fact that you and your husband are two different people, with two different perspectives, and two different styles. This is good for your child because it encourages him/her to learn how to deal with different types of people.
Along these lines, you and your hubby do have to try to have a basic, flexible framework for your parenting approach. This does not mean that he has to pick up all your educational and disciplinary methods. It actually means that you two should try to meet in the middle somewhere. This can naturally come about by consulting with each other. Even when you know that you are right, stop and say to your spouse, “I want to run something by you. What do you think if I make Junior a sticker chart for cleaning his room? Do you think the reward should be a sleep-over?” And then try to accept his influence.
So, you’re right. It does take two to tango. I just want to make sure you are actually dancing with him instead of dictating to him.

-Aviva

Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice that can be reached at 347-292-8482 or AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com.