Ask Aviva: Heartbroken and broke

Dear Aviva,

I am 42 years old and am trying to get back together with my ex-girlfriend. She says that I have to straighten out my life first. She’s referring to my financial life.

Why does she have to wait until I am successful again in order to get back together with me? I know she is nervous because I am twice divorced with kids and am having a very hard time with finances now. But I have a lot of potential that was once actualized. I went to the best schools and worked at top firms.

I was laid off once the economy went sour, and have been struggling ever since. My savings were depleted within the first year. Lately, I am not able to keep up with my mortgage payments. I will probably move soon.

Despite this, I don’t think she has a valid reason to break-up a great relationship. We were so good together. She saw what an awesome father I am and how well I treated her. I was ready to marry her. How can I persuade her to get back together?

-Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

Whew! There is a lot going on in your letter! There is even more that is (conveniently?) not going on in your letter.

I am limited in my advice to you because you’ve limited your words. There are many holes in your letter. Let’s try to fill them.

What were your first two marriages like? It is possible that you married a woman who hurt you emotionally, physically or psychologically? If so, it is even more likely that you married this sort of specimen a second time.

If this resonates with you, you must take a big break from dating and, with guided help, learn to identify the warning signs of an abuser. If this is not the case, keep reading:

How did two marriages deteriorate under your watch? What have you done to ensure a lasting union in the future?

It is possible that the third time’s the charm (I have seen some decent third marriages). However, it would behoove both you and Miss Right III to first go over your previous marriages with a fine-toothed comb. Where were you directly responsible for negativity? Did you show appreciation? Did you pull your own weight by actively contributing to household chores and childcare? Did you accept your wives’ influence? Were you positive and did you try to have fun with your spouse?

When something bothered you, did you bring it up directly, or did you let it fester and brew? When you argued, did you lay blame or accuse? Were you sarcastic or, worse, did you stonewall? (Stonewalling is when one spouse “drops out” of a discussion or argument by not responding or even gesturing to the other for a lengthened period of time.)

Correct your old bad habits by practicing the better habits on those around you. If your friend upsets you, address it promptly and properly. If you notice that your sister is sad, ask her what’s going on and see if you can help with anything.

It sounds like you are eager to have companionship again. Keep in mind that you must be a full half in order to be part of a whole.

Look at your life today. What are you lacking as an individual? How can you close those gaps? The most glaring gap that I see in your letter is your financial situation. It’s time to put your love life on the back burner and instead, salvage your credit score. You are unemployed with a stellar resume. Are you actively seeking work? Are you trying to land a job? You don’t mention that at all. You are just trying to get a girlfriend. This is not the time to pursue anything other than a paid position in an honest setting. This is not time for self-pity, nor is it time for flowers and romance. You need to be able to support yourself before you bring anyone else into the picture. It is highly selfish to be focused on a wife-hunt if you are not doing your best to be a stable future-husband.

Granted, many people are never financially stable yet still deserve a stable love life. Are they any more deserving than you? Those who are perpetually attempting to stabilize their income and finances are more worthy of companionship. One must be responsible enough to be a spouse.

If my words are compelling you to scribble all over my column, allow me to redirect you: Your kids have witnessed two divorces from their father. One divorce is extremely traumatic. It’s best not to expose children to trauma unless it is necessary. You may be setting yourself up for disaster (a.k.a. a third major trauma) by pursuing an unrequited interest. She may do a complete 180° once you are on your feet again. Even if not, you will be in a strong position again and, more likely, to be able to be part of a healthy relationship.

David Weinberg, co-founder of “Parnassafest,” recommends milking social media for all it’s worth. Meaning, join Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. Brand yourself like crazy and spread the word that you are available for hire to anyone and everyone. Also, don’t be ashamed to interview at places that you may think are beneath you. In this economy, many workers are overqualified for their tasks. Use every muscle that you have to bring in some dollars. Tutor, do per diem work, consult, lecture, coach a high-school sport, etc. Squeeze every penny that you have. Leave the car keys home when you could walk. There is no shame in redeeming your bottles at five cents a pop.

Work on your resume, find the resources available out there (the OU, Yeshiva Darchei Torah offers vocational courses, Parnassafest has networking events for free), and go get ‘em, tiger!

Aviva Rizel has received her Master’s in marriage and family therapy from Hofstra University and sees couples, families and individuals. She can be reached at avivarizel.mft@gmail.com.