Ask Aviva: Grin and don’t bear it

My daughter, a bright and lovely adolescent, has a summer job with a couple that we know. She is helping the wife manage her at-home business and sometimes stays for dinner. Based on conversations I have had with both the husband and wife, I have sometimes had the impression that they believe that they are morally and intellectually superior to us. Now that my daughter has been working with them for several weeks, she reports back to me that they have made disparaging comments about us and others in front of her. Additionally, they are sometimes very careless, discussing inappropriate topics of conversation at the dinner table, or when she is within earshot. This makes her very uncomfortable. When she tries to remove herself from the situation, they apologize, saying that they forget just how young she is, but then pretty much pick up right where they left off. I am extremely bothered that my daughter is being exposed to such improper speech and themes that are not meant for young ears. How can I put a stop to this without making the situation even more awkward for my daughter? She has committed to working for them through the end of the summer.

—Mother Bear

Dear Mother Bear,

I wonder why mother bears are not as popular as teddy bears? Maybe it’s because a mother bear has to follow her gut, even at the expense of discomfort. A mother bear must be responsible as she protects her cubs and teaches them life lessons along the way.

Your daughter committed to a summer job. I am assuming that you thought she would be in an appropriate environment, otherwise you would have advised her to work elsewhere. It is very important to teach your daughter good work ethic, and to follow through with her commitments. These concrete traits are part of the basic threads of a productive and responsible person. It sounds like she is succeeding at this elementary level.

A more abstract, advanced lesson to implement here is “standing up for what you believe in” and “keeping yourself in the company of proper people.” These lessons are more difficult to apply because you don’t want them to contradict with the previous lesson of “keeping your commitment.” Plus, these higher level lessons often come with social discomfort and short-term hardship (but long-term pride).

Your first move should be to talk to your daughter. Yes, she is still young, but she is the one who ultimately has to face them, so she should feel like she is in control of the decision making. Clearly she is uncomfortable with what is going on, otherwise she wouldn’t have told you about it, and wouldn’t make attempts to remove herself from the inappropriate conversations. The question is what does she want to do about it?

Don’t immediately impose ideas on her. Ask her what she thinks should be done and could be done. She may surprise you with some sophisticated strategies. Play it out with her. Ask her, “Ok, if you do x, what do you think would happen next? Are you comfortable with that? Does that meet the goal that you are aiming for?”

If she is short on ideas, you can offer your own. The most straightforward route (although not necessarily the route that will be taken) is the direct one. She can tell her employers that they are making her feel uncomfortable when they speak badly of others and when they talk about inappropriate topics. She should ask them to be more careful, otherwise she will be unable to work in such an environment. This should all be said in a respectful, calm way.

This is a very difficult thing for a person to carry out, particularly an adolescent. It requires a person to knowingly put themselves in an uncomfortable position — quite a tall order for a kid. Don’t push this on her if she’s not into this plan. There are other options.

You can use this as an opportunity to teach her the responsible way to relieve yourself of a commitment. Your daughter agreed on a summer position, but both you and she were taken aback by the verbal misconduct. It is ok to back out of it, as long as she doesn’t leave her employer high and dry. She should try to find a fitting replacement or she should tell her employer with enough notice that she will be leaving. If she can muster up the courage to explain why, that would be good, but otherwise she could think of another honest reason why she has to go prematurely.

One more thing: don’t just swoop down and play Supermom. Don’t try to save your daughter by taking matters into your own hands. This would be unhealthy. It would teach your daughter to rely on you unnecessarily and would stifle the natural process that she must go through in order to develop into a self-reliant individual. If your daughter is direct with the couple and they are still violating the new guidelines, it’s ok for mom to dip her toe in. Or, if your daughter is highly uncomfortable dealing with this issue at all, you can prod her along with your minimal interaction with the couple.

Teach Baby Bear how to face adversity without having to use her claws.

—Aviva