Ask Aviva: Friends "frum" the neighborhood

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Dear Aviva,
My wife and I just moved to a wonderful Jewish community. We are very happy with our new home and our new friends. However, we generally feel like we are the most right wing of our group and it bothers us. We can’t be 100% sure of some of our friends’ kashrus, a lot of my friends don’t go to minyan (and when they do, they shmooze throughout!) and a lot of them are more caught up in drinking than giving divrei torah at the Shabbos table. I know I must sound very judgmental, since we are all on different levels of hashkafah (philosophy) and we do like our friends; we just feel like they are not a good influence on our family. What to do?
-Frummy Friend

Dear Frummy Friend,
I like your problem. I really do. I think it is so great to have a social circle that is colorful. It’s the best show of true Ahavas Yisrael and it keeps minds flexible. I also like that you are not trying to be m’kareiv your friends. It sounds like you are accepting of who they are and you are not trying to change them.
It also doesn’t sound like they are trying to change you either, which is good.
So you can go to minyan by yourself, try to sit around people who match your kavanah caliber. And if no such person exists in your shul, you may want to look into other ones.
In terms of their kashrus, you will have to ask a Rav about that. I wouldn’t want you to compromise on your bein adam l’makom. Something that you need to be flexible with is bein adam l’chaveiro.
Do they know that you are more to the right and uncomfortable with certain things? In my experience, a more eclectic group knows who the prudes are and usually does their best to protect them from the less straight-laced aspects of socializing. For example, do they go to Atlantic City and not even invite you? Or do you find you have to always make excuses to extract yourself from ‘objectionables’? If it seems like they just don’t get it and you are hemming and hawing your way through muddled alibis, then it will be a bit harder.
You will have to find a way to do things so that they don’t get offended. Let’s say you want a dvar Torah during the Shabbos meal and you are eating out. Don’t step up to the pulpit and give a formal dvar Torah like you might in your own home. Instead, couch it in the conversation and keep it super short. Tie it into a joke and then no one will snort at you.
With regard to children, you can’t shield them from everything. My position is that it is far safer for a child to be lightly exposed to something under your care so that you can dialogue about it later. “Avi, were you sur
prised when Eli’s daddy changed into shorts after shul?” Or, “I know it was hard for you not to play baseball when everybody else did. What was going through your mind? Were you too scared to tell them that you stopped playing Shabbos baseball a few years ago?”
As long as your kids are not being exposed to too much, I think you should maintain these friendships. The thing that you do need to strengthen is your level of love and happiness in your own home. That is a good way to inoculate a child from looking elsewhere.
Getting together on Shabbos is good because then you don’t need to worry about the more liberal censorship of DVDs and violent Wiis. Another idea that comes to mind is highlighting your similarities. Wouldn’t it be a nice message to the kids if you all banded together for some sort of universal Jewish cause? Head a letter writing campaign to free Jonathan Pollard, hold a bake sale for Chai Lifeline, or organize a bike-a-thon to equally benefit all the shuls in the neighborhood.  
This is good. I wish everyone had an opportunity to show their kids how they love and accept all Jews. But make sure your kids know that you love and accept them the most.
-Aviva

 Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice who can be reached at AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com.