Ask Aviva: Drowning in the carpool

Photo: 1036 G

Drowning in the carpool

Dear Aviva,

I have a minor problem that’s not so minor. I hate my son’s carpool. The moms are often late and unreliable. When they can’t make it, they call me to do it because I’m the only one who is not working. It is really disruptive to my routine and messes up my baby’s nap schedule. I made up my mind to find other people to drive with next year, but I’m not having any luck. It looks like I am stuck with this one again, and I want to set the rules down right away. Any tips?

-Carpool in Chaos

Dear Carpool in Chaos,

Sounds like they’re driving you crazy. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Forgive me.

Ok, let’s get to work. The basic rule of thumb is that you are only as much of a doormat as you let yourself be. The application of this rule is a very fine balancing act of standing up for yourself without looking like a jerk. The best way to keep your jerk hat off is to ward off any bedlam in advance. So what I want you to do is first sit and think. Figure out what is best for you. You prefer mornings, afternoons or alternating? Keep in mind that they will be late, so figure out when it matters less to be kept waiting. Which days do you want to stay away from? Now, ask your fellow cohorts what works for them and then start a spreadsheet with a set schedule. Tell each member individually that you won’t be able to substitute last minute and need a day’s warning.

Now you have to stick to it. You know what this will mean? It will mean that when one mom calls you frantically at 2:15 asking you to pick up the boys for her (and this particular mayhem mom asks you to fill in for her at least once a week), tell her it doesn’t look like you can do it. Sorry. And then hang up. Because if you stick around on the phone, you will easily sway yourself and the next thing you know, you’re waking up your baby so that you can play “count the Odysseys” while trying to cajole pre-schoolers to sit on their tushies all the while attempting to tune out Uncle Moishy in stereo. (Though Contemporary Uncle Moishy far exceeds Old School Uncle Moishy on the adult listening-ability scale.) Basically, say no and mean it. After a while the mom will feel the weight of her responsibility and carry it.

A few disclaimers: If you are in a carpool with somebody who is actually in need of help, then these rules do not apply at all. A qualifier would be a parent of a disabled child, an avel, a single parent, somebody with chronic illness or somebody with chronic illness in the family, or a post-partum mom (and I’m sure there are more that I’ve overlooked.) If you have somebody in need in your carpool, the rest of you should lighten her (or his) load. But it would be best if this could be built into the system so that you are not left with surprises. For example, you each can drive one extra run for the person and if the person sees that he/she is available then you are off the hook. A spontaneous call of “stay home!” is far less chaotic than one of “go get the boys!”

And if you can’t tolerate the tardiness, then speak up about it, with a smile. Lay down the law and you’ll be cruising in control.

-Aviva

The Jewish Star would like to wish our cartoonist, Talya Weinberg a big Mazel Tov upon the birth of a baby boy!