Seidemann: Your inner nature

Posted

From the other side of the bench

By David Seidemann

Issue of December 11, 2009/ 24 Kislev 5770

Let me see if I get this straight. The Salahis are invited by Congress to chat about the White House dinner they attended and they're not showing up, yet they were not invited to that dinner and they did show up. Sounds like typical Washington to me. And you wonder why not much gets done there. People show up where they are not supposed to be and don't show up where they are supposed to be!

I must admit it's disconcerting that the Secret Service and White House can't manage a party of 325 people yet the government want to manage my health care. All I can say is that I hope they are more successful in keeping unwanted terrorists out of our country than they are at keeping uninvited guests out of a dinner party.

Truth be told, I do not blame the White House party staff or the Secret Service. I don't even blame the Salahis so much. I blame myself. I could've stopped them. I enabled them. Not just me, my entire family knew of this obsession that the Salahis had in showing up where they were not invited, and we did nothing. You see, as soon as this story broke, I knew their names and faces looked familiar. I started rummaging through old photo albums and I saw them, clear as day, at my kindergarten graduation. No, they were not invited, but I remember the phone call (there was no e-mail at that time). My little brother told them that he would try to wrangle an invitation to the graduation for them but that he could make no promises. They showed up anyway. We should have alerted the authorities right then and there.

We created a monster that festered and festered. There they were, once again, at my day school graduation, my bar mitzvah, my high school graduation, college and law school graduations and, I think, even at my wedding. Though never invited, their nature, their corrupt nature — the desire to feel important based on whom they are seen with, as opposed to how they see themselves — controlled their every move. I can't help but think that if I had notified the authorities back in 1964 when they crashed my kindergarten graduation, then perhaps, just perhaps, I could have  prevented all of this from happening.

When one becomes a slave to their nature, their present and future becomes their past. They become emotionally immobilized, can rarely change bad habits, and often are doomed to repeat the same mistakes. A review of their dossier reveals that this couple has been involved in this type of activity before; that indeed this was their nature.

A few year back I represented a young man who was divorcing his wife. While every divorce is sad, especially when children are involved, this man's liberation was well-deserved. Among other items his soon-to-be ex-wife submitted to the court were documents indicating that she would require $96,000 a year as a clothing expense. This was in addition to all of the money she was requesting for rent, food, travel, and entertainment. She testified that she was penniless and unable to work. She further informed the court that she had applied for public assistance and that without the money she was seeking from her husband she would be unable to make ends meet.

Documents submitted to the court indicated that she was attending the ballet at Lincoln Center twice a month. My cross-examination of her unfolded as follows: Mrs. Smith, you testified that you are still purchasing clothes at the rate of $96,000 per year? Yes, she said. And you testified that you were still attending the ballet twice a month? Once again she answered in the affirmative. And you testified that you applied for welfare? Yes, was the answer. And when you applied for welfare did you have to wait on line? Yes, she said. Was it a long line? Yes it was, sir, was the reply. And during that time online did you have a chance to meet people? Yes I did, she answered. A lot of people, I asked? Once again, she said yes.

Tell me Mrs. Smith, I asked, of all those people that you met on the welfare line, did you ever meet any of them at the ballet?

She did not answer. She could not answer. And with that the judge had heard enough. I had successfully pointed out to the judge that while at one time during their marriage the couple had a great deal of money, the "good times" were over, the money had long disappeared, and there just wasn't any more of it to support her nature and habit. She continued to spend even though there was nothing left to spend. The judge was not going to obligate my client, the husband, to continue to feed the wife’s self destructive nature.

Knowing which parts of our nature and behavior are changeable and which aren't; being cognizant of what parts of our behavior might be a bit bizarre but not dangerous as opposed to quirks that are self-destructive, is one of the most difficult hairs to split in our daily lives. Knowing which of our children's behaviors we should accept and which behavior patterns we should move mountains to change is probably the most difficult aspect of child rearing.

Some people's nature is so inherently bad that for the greater good of society we must give up on them. Some people's nature is so inherently good that for society's betterment we should point it out and emulate them. Let me share with you a story about someone whose nature is so good that it should inspire us to duplicate and replicate this as often as we can.

A young woman from these parts attended the unveiling of the tombstone of a family friend. At the conclusion of the ceremony while everyone else returned to their cars, this young woman stood for a few extra moments to recite some Psalms. Off in the distance, she heard a woman sobbing. It was a mother crying over the grave of a son she had lost many years ago. She approached this woman, looked over her shoulder at the stone and realized that his yahrzeit, the anniversary on the Jewish calendar of his passing, was that day. There were no other family members to console the grieving mother; no family friends. The young woman who had come to pay her respects at the unveiling of her friend’s father, now stood alone with a total stranger who was weeping over the grave of her son.

She put her arm around the stranger and cried with her. In subsequent conversation it was revealed that there were no other relatives to stand with her and comfort her. And as they had moved to this new community just months before her husband and son had perished, there were no friends to shed a tear with her on her annual pilgrimage. No one really knew them in their new community. The initial meeting at the cemetery between these two women took place not last month and not last year but seven years ago. And every year since, the mother has not had to stand alone; her new friend accompanies her and together they shed tears.

In the great debate as to how we become who we become, some philosophers say nature, others say nurture. This young lady's nature was to nurture. Our nature should be the same.

David Seidemann is a partner with the law firm of Seidemann & Mermelstein.  He can be reached at (718) 692-1013 and at ds@lawofficesm.com.