Parsha Vayetzei: Meet Leah, the hated wife

In Parshat Ki Tetze we are told about a man who has two wives, one who is beloved (ahuva) and one who is detested (s’nuah) (Devarim 21:15). Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch notes that the term used there is the same as that used by G-d (29:31) and by Leah (29:33) in describing her own situation with respect to her husband.

In Ki Tetze, Rabbi Hirsch quotes the Talmud (Yevamot) to suggest that the word s’nuah is the Torah’s way of expressing disapproval of a marriage. He then mentions the sifre where the word describes one who is “discriminated against undeservedly.” Through his analysis of the difference between the word s’nuah and s’niah, Rabbi Hirsch raises a third possibility: that the term implies a wife who is “less loved.”

In considering this week’s parsha Vayetzei, Rabbi Hirsch calls her “the hated” (i.e., the less beloved) wife, and notes that “G-d chose precisely the one who felt slighted and disadvantaged, and made her the principal ancestress of His people.

The names that this less-loved wife gave to her sons show us that, precisely in her feeling of disadvantage, she exuded love for her husband; the names show us that she uplifted herself to fully appreciate the role of motherhood in the destiny of woman and the happiness of marriage, and that for both she cast her burden on G-d, Who sees and hears all and causes His Presence to dwell between man and woman.

“Her husband’s love was her goal, and with every child born to her, she hoped to add another layer to the foundation of this love. In the end, her hopes were fulfilled. What was denied to the bride and wife was granted to the mother of children.”

When faced with trying to understand the relationship that Yaakov had with Leah, if we want to be myopic, we can pretend to understand Yaakov on a level each of us might feel in such a situation.

Consider these possibilities:

•He liked Leah as a cousin, but never wanted to marry her.

•He had been tricked into marrying her, and hated her because he was victim of a rouse.

•He had been tricked into marrying her, and he hated her because of her role in not owning up to her true identity.

•She was a detestable woman, so he hated her.

Some of these don’t really make sense. Because if Yaakov really hated her, it stands to reason he would have divorced her. After all, his marriage to her was made under false pretenses.

So what does it mean that “she was hated?”

Rabbi Hirsch suggests that a lot of this could have been in Leah’s mind, as she compares herself to her sister. It’s not farfetched to say that she was “less loved,” as the Torah doesn’t mince words in describing Yaakov’s love for Rachel. But was it real hatred that was going on here?

Reb Bunem of Pshischa had a different perspective in explaining Leah’s being “hated.” He suggests it is impossible that Yaakov hated her. Rather, she was hated by herself, the same way that a truly righteous person is very hard on his or herself. She saw her own flaws, knew her inadequacies, may have had leftover feelings of sadness from the thought that at any time Yaakov might divorce her, leaving her open to being picked up by Eisav.

As on target as Reb Bunem might be in protecting Yaakov from being a hater, the idea that Leah feels so inadequate is nonetheless sad to consider (even though I think it is a great explanation). We all know and see people who live lives of [personally inflicted] inadequacy. Some feel they can never date or marry due to some flaw they see in themselves. Some feel they can never get the kind of job they want or do the things they want to do because they won’t do it perfectly, or even well, or because they are “no good at anything.”

A wise woman I know likes to say, “There will be plenty of people who will put you down in your lifetime. Don’t ever be a person who puts yourself down.”

Leah carries the title of one of the imahot of the Jewish people because of her many good qualities. It is sad that this stain of being s’nuah is on her resume, even if it helped her become a great mother and cemented her place as the wife buried next to her shared husband.

Then again, maybe she became so great because of or in spite of her hated status. And that’s a thought worth mulling over.

Rabbi Avi Billet is a columnist for The Jewish Star.