Ask Aviva: Working with friends

I am in a real quandary. About 6 months ago I lost my job and was having a very difficult time finding a new one. My family was really feeling it and we were getting very nervous. My best friend stepped in and offered me a position in his firm. We've been friends for almost 20 years and my kids consider him their uncle. He is a vice president and he hired me as one of his assistants. The pay is good, and the hours are 9-5. I thought that this would be perfect - we are great friends so of course we would work well together. The problem is that after only a few months of working for him, I am absolutely miserable.

He is the worst boss that I have ever had. I think he comes down even harder on me because he's comfortable with me. When he gets upset with the other assistant, he tries to compose himself, excuses himself and then speaks pretty sternly about the issue. With me, he never pauses to catch himself and just rips into me.  The few times I tried to speak up, he took it so personally and wouldn't even look at me. Now I don't even bother defending myself.

I walk on eggshells and am so scared to make a wrong move. I am bottling it all up and take it out on my wife and kids when I get home. And it goes without saying that I don't consider my boss my best friend anymore. I am so appalled by his behavior and had no idea that he could treat another human being so badly, especially someone who is so close to him.

I would love to just quit, but then whatever is left of my friendship would be finished. I also need the medical coverage and the paycheck. I don't know what to do.

Frustrated Former Friend

Dear Frustrated Former Friend,

You are correct. This is quite a quandary. They say not to mix friends with business. There are exceptions to every rule and I guess you thought this would be one of them. Truth is, I would also think so, based on how close your friendship was and based on how desperate your financial situation was. And now you feel like you are stuck because you want to get out of this deal, but that will shred the few strands that are left of your friendship.

Now tell me, what would be so bad about that? What exactly would you be losing here? You've already lost respect for the guy. Imagine that you left on good terms (which you say wouldn't happen), would you still consider him one of your close friends? I have a feeling that you would be very guarded with him.  You are probably conditioned to tense up at the mere mention of him. This would take a long time to fix. Fear is not a sign of a good friendship.

If you are willing to let this mangled relationship go, you need to step into gear. First, start looking for another job. I know you've been down this road before and you know that it's not a smooth one. It will be even harder now because you will have to maintain your current hours while trying to nab interviews. You will also have to keep this on the down low if you don't want to lose your job. This will be difficult if you and your boss are still traveling in the same social circles. If you want to fully take advantage of your connections, you would probably want to say that your search is for a friend of yours.

In the meantime, you are going to have to figure out a good coping mechanism because it sounds like you are just passing the bitter baton from your boss to your family. Make sure that your wife knows how upset you are with your boss and your situation. Own up to the fact that you were unfairly taking it out on her and the kids. Ask for her help. The two of you should sit down and figure out what you need to calm down when you get home. She should try to accommodate you and not bombard you with things as soon as you walk in the door. She probably should also avoid calling you at work unless absolutely necessary. Figure out what you need and let her know.

Hopefully an ideal (or even not-so-ideal-but-I-can-make-it-work) prospect will come up. At that point, you will have to decide how you want to leave. You can easily say that the hours are more flexible, or that the benefits are better. If he takes that personally, that is his problem because you weren't laying anything personal on the line.

I don't mind if you actually want to get personal, though. Once you have nothing else to lose, it might be very good for this guy to realize that he can't treat underlings so badly. There is no excuse to talk to someone who is lower on the social ladder in such stark contrast to how one speaks to someone who is a few rungs above them. So not cool.

And imagine! You are the privileged one who can teach him this valuable lesson. Priceless.

Aviva